


Power in a name (holding you down)

by fandom_irregular



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Athena Grant Being a Mom, Bisexual Evan "Buck" Buckley, Bobby is Buck's Dad, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, Lots of Crying, Minor Character Death, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Protective Bobby Nash, Protective Eddie Diaz, Protective Maddie Buckley, Suicidal Thoughts, Swear Words, Swearing, Torture, Vomit, Whump, conversion therapy, mention of conversion therapy, mention of suicidal attempt, this is gonna hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:21:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 39,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24471229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandom_irregular/pseuds/fandom_irregular
Summary: “Evan? Is that you?”Buck, who was now busy tiding up all their gear, almost dropped the harness he was holding. The sound of that voice, too close for comfort.“Evan, come on. You know what you need to do.”Later Buck would still question what had happened.When a familiar face shows up after an easy rescue, Buck is thrown back into a past he would rather forget.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Athena Grant, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Howie "Chimney" Han, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley
Comments: 166
Kudos: 482





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to tag "no beta we die like women" but in the end... I have to thank Dream_editor, my saviour!  
> This is my first fanfiction and the first time I really try writing something this long in a different langage then my own, so please be nice! Comments and reviews are welcome!
> 
> **WARNING**
> 
> Tags will change so please be careful everytime I add a new chapter to read the tags!

“How is it going down there?” Bobby’s voice was clear and echoed loudly in the small enclosure.

“Everything looks good, Cap” Eddie’s fast reply was coming from only a few feet under the 118 Captain, stationed in the main lobby of the museum. He checked on Buck, who was right behind him.

They were rapidly making their last climb back to ground level.

It all started on a simple call.

A group of middle schoolers had been visiting the Natural History Museum when a blackout had hit the neighborhood; the elevator they were in had defaulted back to the basement, where it had stopped, trapping the kids below the museum main floors.

The 118 had responded.

Bobby had quickly assessed the situation, sending Buck and Eddie down the elevator shaft to force the access panel open. None of the kids or the accompanying teacher had been hurt, they didn’t even look scared at all, just impatient to be back outdoors. And that was where they were now leading them to, out to a sunny LA afternoon, an usual, calm spring day for the City of Angels. Or at least that was what they had left out of the doors of the museum when they had gotten there half an hour earlier.

In the minutes that it had taken the team to bring back all the kids back to safety, a small crowd had gathered outside the museum, curiosity and worry eclipsing all normal activities. A loud clap started the moment they exited the building, children in tow.

“This feels nice” Buck exclaimed, pointing at the gathering that was waiting at the bottom of the steps. He could see journalists and cameramen trying to get their attention, something to add to the interview that had already started with one of teachers. They could all hear the joy and enthusiasm in the retelling of the quick and efficient rescue that the 118 had just managed.

“We don’t do this for the spotlight” Eddie reminded him, even if a small smile was making its appearance on his lips. He bumped against his shoulder, the playfulness of the gesture bringing a grin on the younger man’s face.

Once they were able to get to their truck, pushing through the crowd who was being managed by the LAPD, Buck reinforced his point.

“I know that! I meant that it’s nice when the department gets cheered when things go right and not just blamed when they don’t”.

He was clearly referring to one call they had had the previous week, where they had not been able to save the Hotel Bel-Air, an historic building, one of the oldest hotel of the city, from collapsing under a fire. They had managed to save all the people that had been trapped in there, but the news had still reported the incident as a loss for the city, while also showing front and center Buck as one of the useless firefighters. Or at least that was what it had felt like.

“Hear, hear” concurred Chimney, who had just finished checking the last student for any bruises or contusions. While he liked children, that 12-year old – Ben - had been too interested in asking a million questions about his job and had left him drained, enough not to notice a figure slowly moving towards the chatting duo.

“Evan? Is that you?”

Buck, who was now busy tiding up all their gear, almost dropped the harness he was holding. The sound of that voice, too close for comfort.

_“Evan, come on. You know what you need to do.”_

Later Buck would still question what had happened. One moment he was talking to Chim and Eddie, the next he found himself staring into an unwanted familiar face. Like listening to a CD skipping a line of the chorus because of a scrape on its surface.

“What are you doing here?”

Again, Buck felt a weird sense of whiplash when he realized a second later that _one_ , it had been his mouth uttering those words, and _two_ , the tone he had used already told too much of a story.

_Get a grip, Buckley._

“Is that a way to greet an old friend?”

 _Evan_ didn’t know how to reply to that.

Luckily for him, somebody else decided to interrupt the silence.

“Sir, you should be behind the security lines set by the police.” Chimney explained firmly. He had moved closer the second Buck had turned to face whoever had been calling him.

The man in front of them was tall, even taller than Buck, had dark brown hair and brown eyes so dark that, even with the sun shining above them, almost looked black.

The tan of his skin revealed he was a man used to spending time outdoors, some sort of manual job if he was to judge from the calluses on his hands and the well defined muscles visible from a short-sleeve shirt. His face opened up in a charming smile while leaning against the fire truck, his eyes focused solely on Evan.

“Oh, sorry I just couldn’t resist coming and saying hi. Evan and I go way back.” When he noticed that the young firefighter was not going to add anything to that, he continued “I was just walking by when I noticed the commotion. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I recognized you! How lucky of me to meet you in the few days I’m here in LA!”

Again, the Smile.

Evan knew it was supposed to be calming and friendly, but looking at it he only felt coldness that quickly set in his bones, quietly rooting him in place.

“Everybody ready to leave?”

Buck managed to snap out of the stillness he had been trapped in, anchoring himself to Bobby’s voice which rang loud and clear behind him.

Feeling his face heat up, he cleared his throat while turning to face the rest of his team that had just come up behind him. They were looking in on the situation with curious smiles and wondering questions present on their faces. He had to act normal, do something anybody else would do, say something. If only he could breathe.

_You are just introducing someone you know. Nothing more._

“Just one sec, Cap” he quickly replied. “Guys, this is Scott, he is an old… We knew each other back in the day.”

_Calm down. Breathe in. Breathe out._

An action that became really difficult when Scott moved right next to him. He looked in detachment as the taller man wrapped his arm over his shoulders, in a weird, uncomfortable sideway hug, still facing the rest of the 118.

“Oh come on, is that all you have to say?” Scott laughed. “We were practically best friends from the day we met at camp, how long ago was it? Something like 10 years?” he squeezed Evan closer for a second. “I cannot believe Little Bucket became a firefighter!”

Buck couldn’t hide the grimace that showed up on his face. He felt like he was going to puke.

“You know I don’t like that nickname” he half smiled, finally gathering the will to remove himself from the other man’s grip.

Bobby knew that something was going on right in front of him, he just couldn’t put a finger on what _it_ was. It was like a switch had just been flipped and transformed Buck from his usual chipper self to his own shadow, as he was evidently and silently trying to stay out of the reach of this Scott guy. He knew that the other members of the team, in particular Chimney, who had witnessed the meeting from the start, were getting the same weird vibe from the situation unfolding in front of their eyes. Buck did not seem like he wanted to have anything to do with the guy, but if he really wanted, he could just say something, couldn’t he? Should he intervene? Would that be overstepping?

Bobby made up his mind and luckily, their ongoing 24-hour shift offered plenty of excuses to get them out of this stand off.

“Well, nice to meet you Scott, but we really should be going” the small smile that appeared on Buck’s face was all that he needed to confirm he made the right choice. He stepped up in the driver seat of the fire truck, knowing that the squad would follow.

“Oh just wait a second, we totally need to meet up before I go home!” Scott jokingly punched Evan’s arm.

“Sorry, you heard the Cap, we need to get going” Buck shrugged, while hurrying behind his retreating teammates.

“Oh, well, ok” said Scott. His smile showed up again and he quickly tapped against the big sign reading 118 on the side of the fire truck. He looked again in Evan’s direction. “I know where to find you anyway.”


	2. Chapter 2

_I know where to find you._

Those words kept repeating in his head, a never ending loop that was just feeding the heavy weight settled in his stomach from the moment they had left Scott’s mouth. Buck was trying his hardest to stop himself from shaking, to not react, to keep projecting the stillness that had been so easy to master before. People always say that in front of events, your body reacts in either of two ways: flight or fight. But in front of Scott, Evan had a different set of options: flight or freeze. And while talking to him his body had quickly set into freeze, now all that missing adrenaline was rushing through his limbs trying to get out, with a delayed impulse to run that he was barely containing. He had tried to act normal during the ride back to the station, but judging from the closeness that Eddie had kept while in the truck, their knees bumping against each other at every turn, he could see that nobody had been fooled.

“Earth to Buck!” again, Bobby’s voice was the one thing cutting through his own musings.

He looked on the other side of the table where his Captain had just started serving lunch. A plate full of pasta was hanging right in front of his nose.

“Thanks, Bobby” he eagerly took the plate from the offering hands, trying not to squirm under all the concerned looks that his team was throwing in his direction.

Maybe if he just ignored them, they would leave him be. If you believe strongly in a lie, maybe all the people around you will do as well.

“Are you ok?” of course he should have realized that Hen, on his right, would not let this go.

“Yes, sure, why wouldn’t I be?” Buck shrugged.

“Maybe Little Bucket needs a different type of encouragement” Chimney added, while moving the breadsticks closer to him.

Buck looked sharply at him and knew what the other man was trying to do, even that Chim was referring to the use of the nickname and not the food offering. Every member of the team was smart enough to realize that the quick shift in his mood had been caused by the encounter with Scott, and he was just trying to get directly to the point, without patience for the bullshit that everybody knew Buck was trying to use to stir them away from the topic.

He was trying to be helpful. Buck knew that. But the only thing his mind could focus on was those two little words.

_Little Bucket._

“Could you please not do _that_?” he said, almost growled, while putting down the plate rather forcefully, causing all the silverware to jingle on the table.

_Breathe in. Breathe out._

“Do what?” Chim frowned, evidently not having anticipated that strong of a reaction.

Buck hesitated, trying to calm himself.

“Do not call me… _that_.”

The others at the table shared a look. The anguish and disgust that poured out in a single phrase were not expected at all.

“What’s going on, Buck? Because there’s totally something you are not telling us.”

Bobby started to shake his head.

“Come on Hen, it’s not any of our business.” He nodded in Buck’s direction, a quiet signal to show him his support.

Buck was dealing with something, the captain could see it, and while he understood that the team was just trying to help, nobody should be forced to reveal anything, unless they wanted to. Unless they were ready. Unless they needed to. He had lived though it. His face was making it very clear to the rest of the 118 that they needed to back off, or he was going to find the worst chore possible and assign all of them to it.

All the people at the table realized that and looked at each other, sort of defeated. Calming down from the bout of rage of moments before, Buck realized that, even if it felt like pushing, all his team was trying to do was letting him know that they were there to help. He could talk to them.

He just needed to want to.

But reality check, he did not want to deal with it. Buck debated quietly inside his head. He so wanted to be rid of the issue, never giving a second thought about Scott, about _all that_ , act like nothing happened earlier, except for a nice rescue. Unfortunately, he also knew that if he did not talk now, he would have to later. So that left him with only one thing to do.

“It’s okay Cap. I just.. I don’t…” Buck stuttered, trying to get a hold of himself. “Scott lied. I mean, yes we met at camp, when I was sixteen. He was the team leader of my dorm, sort of a mentor figure, somebody we could talk to if we needed anything, that’s what they told me…” He paused, trying to clear his thoughts. “He said we were friends. We weren’t. I mean, he was on the first few days, but then… He was a bully. And I was just a kid who didn’t know how to deal with him, a guy who was three years his senior and almost a foot taller. I didn’t know who to talk to, if anybody would listen… and… yeah. Seeing him today, him being kind of friendly… it threw me a little off. But I’m fine. I swear.”

It’s not the clearest of explanations and it’s _far_ from being the complete truth, but Buck felt like it was a good compromise. The weight in his stomach was now reduced to a slight ache and that helped, all the while without telling anything that would lead the team to look at him with different eyes.

He belatedly realized that his gaze had drifted to his hands, now held close on his lap, unsuccessfully trying to stop them from shaking too badly. With an embarrassed flush to his cheeks, Buck went back to look at his team. He wasn’t sure what he felt in that moment, but it certainly was _not_ shame and he would _not_ behave like he was the guilty party.

He was surprised by what he saw. They all look relieved that he had actually talked to them, that he had said something. He was known for wearing his heart on his sleeve, Hen had said it so many times in the past, and apparently him trying to hide a problem had worried them.

“Seriously, I’m fine.” Buck’s voice was firm, quiet but strong in a way that wasn’t a second before. “I’m not sixteen anymore and I’m not going to let him affect my life again.”

Again, supportive smiles was all he saw.

“It’s in times like this that I’m reminded never to get on the wrong side of a Buckley”

Buck suddenly stood very still.

He knew Chim was trying to lighten up the mood, but he only made him realize he had missed kind of a big plot point in all his pondering.

“I need you to do me a favor…” and while the others were surprised by the abruptness of the words, they also seemed glad that there was something they could help him with. “Could we please keep this Scott thing just between us?”

His request seemed a bit of a non sequitur, but Chim connected the dots fast, particularly considering how the younger man was staring straight at him.

“You mean Maddie?” the surprise and confusion in his voice were impossible to miss. “You want me not to tell her? Why don’t you want her to know?”

The younger firefighter sighed, trying to come up with the right words. Again, he would love to be past this.

“It’s just that… she’s my big sister. When she found out about what happened at camp the first time around, she went ballistic. She felt guilty at not having been there, at not helping me sooner… I don’t want to put her through all of that again, just because the douchebag showed up in LA.”

His team shared a knowing look, before turning to their captain. There was so much that all of them wanted to say, to add, but the only thing that mattered right now was Buck. And he had made his decision.

“Okay, Buckaroo. We won’t tell Maddie. Unless you give us a reason to.”

The blond nodded shyly.

“What are you going to do about him, anyway?”

Now it was Buck’s turn to look confused.

“What do you mean?”

“Scott did say that he wants to meet with you” Eddie pointed out, having understood Hen’s question the second she posed it. He had been about to ask the same question.

He had not even thought about that. But it changed nothing.

“I don’t care what he wants, I don’t want to have anything to do with him.”

Buck had never been more sure of something before.

“What if he wants to make amends?” Hen insisted, raising a hand to stop Buck before he could reply. “Hear me out, please. I’m not saying what you should or shouldn’t do, you know what he deserves and what not. I just want you to consider that maybe you need closure as well. Think about all of your options before making a decision”

He recognized where Hen was coming from and with the fragmented half truth he had told, it even made sense. For a moment he asked himself if he shouldn’t just tell them the story, the truth of months of torture and pain, knowing very well that if they knew, Hen would be the first in line to go and kick Scott’s ass.

He shrugged the thought off of his mind before it could actually put roots.

“I had my closure. If he had wanted to apologize he would have not behaved exactly the same as 10 years ago, even down to that stupid nickname. And even if I ever thought that he wanted to apologize, I would never meet with him. Some people just don’t deserve... a second chance.”

He knew how strong of a statement he made, and it was probably a bit hypocritical, considering that all the people at that table had probably thought something along those lines when they first met him, but he could not bring himself to care. Not when this was about Scott.

He quickly scanned the room in search of a distraction, when only silence met his last reply.

Eddie, who, like everybody else of the team, was sure that Buck was still withholding something, decided that it was time to change topic. For everybody’s sake if not just Buck’s.

“So Cap, are you and Athena still on to host the barbecue tomorrow?”

Bobby smiled at the end of the table, fully knowing what the other man was trying to do.

“Of course, Eddie, Athena has been making…”

Buck half listened to the rest of the conversation, completely drained by the heavy issue that he just dealt with.

And if a small reassuring smile was exchanged between him and Eddie, nobody was the wiser.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not too many things happened in this chapter, but I needed to set up a few things for the future.  
> Hopefully you liked it!  
> Comments and reviews are welcome!  
> From next chapter tags are gonna change, so look out for those!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI!  
> Ready for as new chapter?
> 
> **WARNING!**
> 
> There is a brief flashback to a suicidal thoughts, I'm not sure how much is understandable, it's very brief and not specific, but I prefer warning you guys.

Buck loved his job.

Their 24-hour shift passed almost in the blink of an eye. A call after the other hit them loud as the sirens of the station went off. From a kitchen fire, to a 3-vehicle accident on the highway, to a false alarm raised at a high school, nobody had the time to focus on anything other than work. A well oiled machine where everybody knew what to do and soon, the heaviness of that afternoon discussion was forgotten like it had never happened.

Buck loved the days when they were so busy that muscle memory did all the hard work.

Blink of an eye and they were off again at the sound of the siren, to rescue a teenager stuck on a bridge. Apparently, the kid had managed to climb down and nest himself on one of pylons, attempting an adventurous selfie. Once that had been taken, he had been unable to climb back up, so his friends at the scene had called 911.

Buck found himself smiling. He was back on track, the ground under his feet solid again, even while a tiny rope and his harness were the only things keeping him attached to said ground while he was on rescue duty.

He smiled confidently at the 16-year old who, on his part, started screaming.

“I don’t want to die! It was supposed to be just a stupid selfie, it was a challenge…”

“Don’t worry kid, we’re going to get you back to safety in just a second” he found himself struggling a bit to adjust a second harness around the kid as he was flailing his arms. All of a sudden, the mood changed, and the teenager started shaking like a leaf.

“You don’t understand! I haven’t really done anything yet! I have so much that I want to see, to do…to live for!” his moaning were barely audible, while tears filled up his eyes.

If he had to be honest, the firefighter thought that the kid, Tom, was being a bit overdramatic, as there was not any real danger. Yes, he was stuck, but in a very safe position between two steady cement walls.

But his wails were eerily familiar.

_“You are only sixteen! You have so much to do, to live for, you haven’t seen the real world yet!”_

_“I have seen enough! It would be easier for everybody if I just…”_

_“Don’t. You. Dare!”_

Buck looked at the kid once again and they both started breathing normally again once they were back on the bridge main level.

Buck’s smile got smaller as the thoughts in his head turned again to that cursed summer.

Buck loved his job.

He hoped it was enough to keep him afloat. And while he already knew the nightmares were going to be back that night, he almost laughed when he realized he was hoping that they were going to be filled with exploding fire trucks and crashing tsunami waves.

“I can hear you over thinking from here.” Chimney’s voice on the intercom almost made him jump. He stared at him dumbfounded from the opposite site of the truck “Everything okay?”

He hated that stupid question. Who in their sane minds would ever reply no?

Buck was fine.

“Of course I am! Didn’t you see me rappelling down to rescue that kid?” He puffed up his chest, smiling brightly. “His friend even called me a hero.”

Bobby snorted loudly from the driver seat at the glee in his voice and from there, everybody started laughing in a chain reaction that nobody could stop.

And no one looked worried at him again.

Buck loved his job.

Once they were back to the station, Bobby easily ordered them to the showers and the lockers. It was time to go home.

“Are you busy tonight?” Eddie asked suddenly from behind his locker door.

Buck shook his head.

“Nothing planned, why?”

“Chris keeps asking if you want to see the new DVD we got. It’s the latest Dreamworks movie. What do you say, movie night?”

“Yeah, absolutely!” Buck couldn’t help the big smile that blossomed on his face. A night with two of his favorite people in the world was exactly what he needed.

He loved spending the evening at the Diaz’s place. Chris’ enthusiasm was highly contagious when he told Buck about an upcoming science presentation his class was going to do and the topics he was considering to do his project on, even without really knowing how to do it yet. They bounced ideas off of each other for a bit, while Eddie prepared the popcorn for the movie.

A few hours later, after they had just put Chris to bed, Eddie brought back the issue.

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?”

Buck should have known better. His best friend was not someone that just let things go. He didn’t like talking about his own problems, but would always make you talk about yours. And maybe he was more used to a Buck that ranted his problems out loud.

He stood frozen for a second, then shrugged it off smiling in his best friend’s direction.

“What are you talking about?”

“You know exactly what. Are you ready to tell me the truth?”

“Eddie… seriously, I have no…”

“I’m gonna stop you right there, before you say anything like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I know something is wrong, everybody at the station knows it. Talk to me, Buck.”

And Buck could see the loyalty, the safety, reflected in those dark eyes, and for a second all he wanted was to trust them, to confide in Eddie and carefulness be damned. For a second.

A cold gate shut inside the young man, loud echoes from his past banging on the door he won’t - _can’t_ \- open.

“Just who the hell do you think you are?” he growled, acidity saturating the words he managed to spit out. 

He found himself standing up, barely a foot away from Eddie’s face and he was not sure if it were his words, or maybe his expression, but something was enough to make the other man back away a few steps.

“Buck, wow, calm down. What’s going on?”

And if he were to pay attention, Buck would see the alarm and shock now present on his colleague.

“What’s going on? Maybe the fact that everybody thinks they need to check on me like I’m a kid and won’t accept any answer other than the one they think they are owed!”

“Buck… what are you… I just want to help you!” Eddie shook his head, raising his hands like to show that he was not armed.

“Why the fuck do you keep saying that? I told you all what happened and I said I’m fine! Can’t you accept that?”

“You are lying and we BOTH KNOW IT!”

“You know nothing!”

A bit, and then.

“You said what happened AT CAMP!” Eddie shouted back.

Buck stopped, confused. This was certainly not what he had expected to hear.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” and this time his question was serious.

“Before, when you were asking us not to tell Maddie.” Eddie started again in a low voice, trying not to restart the shouting match “You said that when she learned what happened _at camp_ , she got angry. Not what happened with Scott, _at camp_. It wasn’t just him, was it?”

“Are you seriously dissecting my words now?” his eyes narrowed and Eddie could not identify the look Buck was throwing at him. _Anger? Pain?_

“I just want you to talk to me. I’m here to listen.” He tried to put a comforting hand on his arm, but Buck recoiled like he had been burned.

“I don’t need to explain every single detail of my life to you, Diaz!”

Eddie’s eyes were trained on Buck’s retreating form and maybe it was the fact that Buck was not facing him or that he had called him Diaz, but he felt his own anger coming back, pulsing in his veins and this time nothing could stop it.

“Why don’t you talk to us? TO ME? You have to do everything by yourself and we all know how that ends. This is like the fucking lawsuit all over again!”

Eddie stopped his tirade a second too late, a phrase too late.

Buck flinched mid-step like Eddie had actually hit him. He could see the trembling on the younger man’s shoulders, while he turned to face him and this time it was easy for Eddie to recognize the shock on his face, his lips opening and closing like he wanted to say something but no sound was coming out.

“Dad? What’s going on?” A small voice from behind them made itself known to the two firefighters.

Both of them turned in that direction, and it was Eddie the first to shook himself out of the daze.

“Chris! You are supposed to be sleeping.” He crouched down to bring himself to his son’s level.

“I heard voices… you sounded upset.” Christopher mumbled, tears filling his eyes, but refusing to fall down.

Eddie was trying to think of a reply when he heard the house front door closing behind him.

Buck was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... what did you think about this chapter?  
> Has anybody got any ideas on what's going to happen and/or be revealed?  
> I would love to hear your theories!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI! This is were things start to be a bit messy!
> 
> **WARNING**
> 
> TAGS CHANGED!! I haven't finished adding all the tags, some will be added as the story goes forward!  
> ALWAYS CHECK THEM!

_“Come on Bucket! You know what you have to do! Just say it and you are going to be free!” the light behind the guy makes him appear faceless, but he knows the Smile is still there, Evan does not even look in his direction to confirm its presence._

_All his attention is focused on not puking his guts out. He hasn’t had a meal worthy of its name in days, but he still needs sustenance._

_The images from the projector flow one after the other in front of him, but they only increase his dizziness._

_He tries to shift his focus on something else, and the clear image of Izzie comes to mind. She’s one of the few real friends he actually managed to make at camp and like him, she was thrown unknowingly into this circle of hell._

_“Evan, help me!”_

_His head snaps up so fast he almost yells from the pain._

_Izzie is right in front of him now, eyes swirling around as fear and panic are the only governing thoughts._

_A second later, the same hazel eyes that usually shine bright are empty, unfocused, her usually dark skin turning to ashen color right in front of him._

_He knows she is dead._

_What the hell? That did not happen!_

He jolted awake, limbs trembling and moving on their own accord.

For a second, he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t scream and his wrists were still bound by restraints as he fought against them.

He regained awareness once he hit the floor.

He blinked slowly, trying to get some sense of what he was actually seeing.

_Breathe in, Buck. One, two, three, four. Hold. And out. One, two, three, four._

He was back to the present. In his apartment. Huddled in the corner between his bed and the wall. He could feel the pain on the side he landed on. He let it ground him, anchor him back to reality. He was not sixteen. He was in LA where the sun always burned bright in the sky. Or it would, if it weren’t 2 am.

He had to be at work in a few hours. He sighed, scratching at his head. There was no way he was going to fall back asleep now, but just for normalcy’s sake, he went back to his bed and lied down. Going through the motions might very well guide him to rest. He hugged his pillow as tight as he could.

The station seemed different when he stepped inside.

Buck looked up at the ceiling, to the loft, sneaking a peak in the locker room and the gym. It felt like a different building, like somebody decided to repaint all the walls, and everything seemed more muted, toned down, pale shades where brilliant colors stood before.

Was it just in his head? Maybe it was due to his sleepless night. Or so he tried to convince himself.

Today his shift did not coincide with most of his team, Bobby and Hen having already started, unlike Eddie, who actually had the day off. 

If he were honest with himself, Buck was kind of glad for that, as he was not sure he could look at his best friend without an encore of the night before. He wanted, he needed, to be professional, and if Eddie were there, he surely was not going to be. He knew he had blown up the day before without a real reason. It had felt like a match had been lit inside of him and, instead of blowing the flame out, he had just poured more gasoline. Now he knew for sure that Eddie was not going to drop the topic of Scott. He just wanted to lock the memory away, again in the furthest, darkest corner of his mind.

He made his way to the locker room, where Chim was finishing suiting up. He turned in his direction when Buck opened his own locker maybe too energetically. They exchanged a glance, and Buck could see the question in the other man’s eyes.

_Are you okay?_

But fortunately, or maybe knowingly, Chim didn’t ask.

“Morning, Buckaroo!” it’s the greeting he received. “Ready for another day full of daring deeds and damsels in distress?”

Buck’s smile this time was not forced or fake.

“You know I always am.”

These were the last few playful words they managed to exchange before the sirens went off and off they were.

When a fire starts in the industrial district it’s all hands on deck.

Bobby had lost sight of Buck at least an hour before, when the fire started spreading and he had gone to help a team from the 107 check out a different building, bringing out any person they could find. He knew not to worry. Different stations had different dynamics, but they all followed the same rules: help each other and bring everybody home.

“Worried about our Buckaroo?” Hen’s voice was clear and way too close, almost making him jump. He had not heard her moving closer, focused on the task at hand.

“Is he back from the 107?”

“Not as far as I know. But you didn’t answer my question.” Her lips were curved in that knowing smile that meant _I’m right, just admit it_. He knew it well, as he often saw it on Athena’s face.

He paused, just for a second. He looked at her again.

“Did you talk to him this morning?” at her shook of denial, he continued “He looked…”

“Lost?” she finished the remark for him and he nodded, grateful that she understood. Buck could be a lot of things, but when he was sad, the whole station came down with him. The kid had yet to realize how much his light shone through at work, how much he affected the people around him.

“I was trying to give him some space but now… I’m worried that I should have said something.”

“If he’s not any better by tonight, the barbecue will help.”

Bobby tried to convince himself that she was right. After the lawsuit, after Buck’s first day back, they had inaugurated a new tradition for the 118 family. Once a month, one of the members would host a dinner at their house, cementing once again the strong unit that they had been before. And if Bobby wanted to use the occasion to rid the group - Buck - of the memory of that one fateful dinner, nobody said anything.

Buck came back to his team when the fire was under control and almost completely dealt with. He started to apologize, describing this group of workers that had refused to leave since their building wasn’t the one on fire. “Seriously, you would think they would want to leave a place before it becomes a raging inferno…” he was blabbering, as if he were in front of the principal and trying to talk his way out of a punishment, to have a good enough reason for his absence.

“Don’t worry about it, kid” Bobby interrupted “You were doing your job. Just glad you’re back” he punctuated the thought with a friendly pat to his back.

Buck’s smile grew in size as warm feelings made themselves known in his chest. He loved it when Bobby called him kid.

“Thanks, Pops”

By the time they got back to the station at the end of their shift, Buck felt like flying. The day had gone well, with multiple calls of various levels of danger, but he took pride in knowing that nobody died while they were at the helm of the rescue. What happens after the hospital doors close, it’s not on them. It’s a lesson that he is still trying to take to heart.

“Hey Buckley!”

He was walking towards his car at the end of the shift, going for a quick swing by his place before joining everybody at the barbecue, when Brett, one of the guys of another team at the 118 jogged to catch up with him.

“Who knew you were this famous!” he said.

Buck blinked confusedly at him.

“What, did you see me on the news again?”

“No, even if I have a bet with Drew on how long it will take before you show up on channel 8 again.” He waved his hands like he was trying to erase something, “Anyway, a guy showed up while you were on the industrial district call, he was looking for you.”

Brett always talked fast, but he was not the reason that Buck started to feel dizzy.

“When he couldn’t find you, he asked us to give you this”

A note suddenly appeared in front of his nose and his hands moved automatically to take it. The temperature dropped and time slowed down as he kept staring at the paper. He felt like the air had been sucked out from around him, like a curse had been activated the moment his hands had touched the note, which was now burning in his hand. He wanted nothing more than just ball it up and throw it in the nearest bin, but he forced himself to be still and not react to it in any visible way.

He mumbled something in Brett’s direction, in the way of _thanks, see you later_ and then he was inside his car, locking the door behind him.

He was safe.

_Told you I could find you. When should we meet for dinner?_

_Your choice,_

_Scott_

The words on the note looked like they were mocking him, he could almost see the Smile the writer had on his face while scribbling down in that perfect handwriting.

He drove in a quiet daze, and he was actually surprised he made it home without driving himself against a building or off a bridge on accident.

_Or on purpose._

His breath hitched. Where did that thought come from?

He visibly recoiled further into the couch, almost wanting it to absorb him whole so he did not have to deal with the problem anymore.

What is he supposed to do? 

Should he call the number that Scott had generously left him at the end of his note?

_I can deal with him._

Should he just ignore it all, in the groundless hope that Scott will not try to contact him again? That is what people normally do, isn’t it? When they get ignored after leaving a message, they stop trying to get in contact.

Buck wasn’t sure. Not of anything, at this point.

_I can deal with him._

Should he just meet with Scott? He could choose a place, a public space, with lots of people, like a restaurant or a bar. _No_ , he scoffs. Outdoors is better, like a park or a square, so that at the minimum sign of danger he can run. He’s good at running.

What the hell is he thinking? Good at running? He should meet up with the guy only to give him a piece of his mind, except that instead of his mind, he imagines himself punching the daylights out of him.

_I can deal with him._

His shaky hands, the tears sliding down his cheeks and the gasping for breath reveal a whole different story, though. 

What is he supposed to do?

He breathed heavily.

The only certainty he had was that he needed to get out of there. He felt like his lungs were burning from the lack of oxygen, the space in between the walls of his apartment getting smaller and smaller with every breath he took.

He glanced at the keys on the table in front of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... what do you guys think?  
> Anybody has any theories on where I'm going with this?
> 
> Reviews and comments are always welcome!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay guys!  
> Hope you'll enjoy this chapter as well.  
> Things are getting in motion now!
> 
> I'm pretty proud of this chapter, I'm hoping you'll be as well

Maddie was finishing touching up her make up when her phone buzzed, announcing the arrival of her boyfriend, who was waiting in the parking lot. She exited her house, professionally balancing her bag, a cake tin and the keys to close the door behind her. When she got to his car, Chimney quickly stepped out to open the door for her. Once safely buckled in, she swiftly kissed her boyfriend on the cheek.

“Hello, honey” his voice was always so soft when talking to her.

They had not seen each other since the start of their respective shifts, and she loved the familiarity of the small moments where they could be just the two of them. He started explaining about the adventures of the day, particularly of the daring moves of her little brother, when her phone vibrated again.

“Oh, speak of the devil” she smiled, seeing Buck’s name on the screen.

She swiftly opened the message.

_Buck:_

_You are the best big sis anyone could wish for. I don’t tell you enough._

She laughed wholeheartedly.

“What is he saying?” Chim inquired.

“Nothing really, except I’m pretty sure he’s already tipsy at Bobby and Athena’s place.” She felt a flash of guilt at that remark, hoping that he hadn’t misunderstood. It wasn’t like her brother didn’t express his feelings when he cared about people. They were always there for everybody to see. It was just that he usually preferred showing them through his actions then actually writing about it.

“Oh, this I have to see.” replied mischievously Chim.

They reached the Grant-Nash household a few minutes late and once the car was parked, Chim chivalrously helped her out. He explained he did it only because he didn’t want anything to happen to the mysterious dessert that Maddie had promised for the gathering. Even he didn’t know what it was.

Bobby had probably seen them walking through the courtyard, because he opened the door just before they could knock or ring the doorbell.

“Welcome!” He exclaimed, joy clearly present on his face.

“Sorry we are late.” he waved off her concern.

Chim had explained to her the second nature of the barbecue, and she could appreciate the effort that the captain was making in trying to amend his past mistakes. Buck deserved it. Speaking of her little brother…

“How is Buck doing?” she asked, throwing a glance towards the living room, where most of the guests were already assembled, while also carefully passing her precious cargo to Athena, who had made grabby-hand motions towards the tin. She was the only one who knew what it was.

“Isn’t he with you?” Bobby asked closing the door, now a strange note coloring his voice.

“No...” Chimney denied, then started to speculate “Maybe he is late? He did say he was going to swing by his place before coming here and we met a lot of traffic on the way over.”

“Have you ever known our Buckaroo to be late at any of the _fire-fam_ events?” Athena’s amusement in using the word that Buck himself had coined at the first reunion was quite evident. He had looked so proud of himself that nobody had had the heart to make fun of him for it.

“Or maybe he’s coming with Eddie?” Maddie added.

“Who’s coming with me?” the former Army man demanded, having appeared from the door leading to the inner yard.

When they explained their dilemma, Eddie quickly shook his head and stared at the floor.

_Is he embarrassed?_ Maddie guessed, judging by how he was carefully looking anywhere but towards them.

“What happened?” Bobby had always been a direct man when it came to his squad.

”I mean, yesterday he… he came over for movie night and I tried talking to him…” Eddie was hesitating, which was not a good sign. She had never seen the man nervous “We… we had a fight. I haven’t spoken to him since.”

“What aren’t you telling us?” the sergeant went in full cop-mode, with a no-nonsense tone crystal clear to everybody who was listening.

A look was exchanged among the members of the 118, even Hen who had just joined them. She sighed heavily.

“Was it because of his… _friend_?” Maddie had never heard such venom in Hen’s voice, particularly never on the word friend.

“Friend? What friend?” her confusion was quite evident in both her voice and the frown present on her face. Hen had the audacity to look a bit ashamed about something, but Maddie still could not follow what was happening. Judging by Athena’s confused look toward her husband, she was not the only one in the dark.

Chimney shook his head toward Hen, disappointment clearly written in his features.

“We were _not_ supposed to talk about that, remember, Buck’s request?” Chimney looked at his girlfriend with a sad smile on his face, while muttering _sorry_ in her direction. “Also, let’s not forget that Buck called Scott a bully, no matter how much that guy was trying to rewrite their history.” That last part was clearly directed at his colleague.

Loyalty had always been one of the most lovely qualities that Howard “Chimney” Han possessed, so Maddie was not surprised that he both kept her brother’s secret and that he was apologizing for keeping it from her.

But her mind had already moved on from that issue.

_Scott_ , the voice echoed in her mind. _Howie said Scott._

“This Scott guy… is he tall? Taller than Buck? Nice, charming smile?” she heard herself ask.

“Yeah, I guess. You know him?” his voice sounded doubtful, like when asking for an answer you already know you won’t like. Or like he already knew the answer.

Something had happened, something they were trying to keep hidden from her, something that involved _Scott_. A story started to take form in her mind and she did not like what she was seeing. She was tempted to continue, try to get an answer out of them, but how could she add anything to the portrait of a guy that she had actually seen only once before the trial? What could she say without giving away too much information? From the calm and quiet that the others seemed to still be living under, Maddie guessed that Buck had not explained the situation, not really, and she did not want to take that choice away from him.

Still, she felt herself falling.

People around her could not understand the abyss that had just ripped open under Maddie’s feet, blocking everyone and everything from reaching her. Even time stood still.

And now the text that Buck had sent her earlier acquired a whole different meaning.

_You are the best big sis anyone could wish for. I don’t tell you enough._

_“I love you Mads, but I can’t, I really can’t go on like this!”_

_“You are only sixteen! You have so much to do, to live for, you haven’t seen the real world yet!”_

_“I have seen enough! It would be easier for everybody if I just…”_

_“Don’t. You. Dare!”_

“Maddie, is everything alright?”

Athena’s voice cut through the fog and time restarted for the brunette. Chim had probably tried to get her attention for a while, judging by how much closer to her he was since she had last acknowledged him. Lifting her head, she could see that all her friends – Buck’s friends – were looking at her suspiciously. From her movements, or lack thereof, they likely realized that they were missing some piece of information. Something important.

But she didn’t have the time to deal with them, to explain.

The only person that mattered right in that moment was Buck.

She rushed to her bag, and fumbled through it until she found her phone.

“Pick up, pick up, please pick up” she pleaded with it, while a ring after the other drowned all the other noises in her ear.

_You reached Buck, unfortunately…_

She closed and restarted the call in the span of a breath.

The call ended in the same way.

She couldn’t stop trying to reach him but at the same time she knew she needed to change tactics.

Again, she dove into her purse, while slowly muttering to herself.

“Keys, keys, keys, where are the keys…”

“I drove you here, remember?” her boyfriend captured her attention with one line, and she found herself slowly nodding, clarity peeking again in her head.

A pair of warm, comforting hands found their way on her shoulders. Athena was still in front of her, calm and power quietly radiating from her, and Maddie found herself breathing again.

“Talk to us, kid. What’s going on?”

_Kid._ Buck had previously complained to her about how much he did not like being referred to as the kid of the group, but it had always been with a smile on his face. Now she found herself in his position, and she could clearly feel the metaphorical hug that that word represented. It was a warmth that had been so clearly missing in the siblings’ childhood that now she almost broke under that loving and soothing pressure.

Tears threaten to fall from her eyes, and she tried her hardest to wash down all of her fears in the next few words out of her mouth. Buck needed her.

“We need to find Buck. Now.”

The sense of urgency in those few words was louder than the sirens at the station. It clashed with the uneasy feelings that were stirred by Maddie’s turmoil, latching onto this disconnection born from the missing information on the whys and what she’s scared of and for. Around her the people that she came to love like a family, more than a family, stood still for an instant. Then they were off to do what they did best. Save people.

It only took a few minutes for everybody to get organized and to leave the Grant-Nash household, but it felt like an eternity to Maddie.

They left Karen and May in charge of the kids, even if Albert rebuked at the idea of not being in command, being older than May and all. A quiet laughter had erupted from Harry and Denny, lifting their spirits a bit but not really reaching anybody’s eyes, particularly Maddie’s, who wanted to be out and in search of her brother already. Christopher did not join the laughter either, almost more agitated than her from the corner of the couch where Eddie was softly talking to him.

The difference between this drive and the one not even 30 minutes earlier was massive. Maddie and Chim were driving to Buck’s place, Athena and Bobby to the fire station, Hen and Eddie to the Diaz’s house. They were all the places they ruled as the most likely Buck was going to be at, if he was in search of comfort, or at least good starting points.

Maddie didn’t talk much, ignoring all the questions that her boyfriend fired her way, still trying to call her brother. Trying to will him to respond.

“Why are you so scared?”

“Tell me what’s going on!”

“Who is Scott? Because I’m pretty sure he’s not your average bully…”

“You are acting like you don’t think we are going to find Buck alive!”

Her body visibly jolted on the last one.

His breath hitched loudly and she could not resist the impulse to turn to him. His face was still locked on the road ahead of them, but she could see how her reaction had confirmed his worst scenario. He probably had not even said it thinking it as a possibility, he had just tried to get a reaction from her, and unknowingly hitting the target dead centre. And maybe, he wished he hadn’t. He let himself feel the devastation the thought brought him, just for an instant, then he was Chimney again. Firefighter, EMT, head on straight, man with a mission. One that does not involve dead friends.

Time skipped after that non-revelation, and suddenly they were in front of Buck’s place.

“His car is here.” he smiled, optimism relaxing his shoulders.

_Maybe he just forgot._ Chim thought. _Maybe he was so tired after the shift that he fell asleep on the bed. Or the couch. Buck would not even make it to the bed._

Hope guided their movements until they were at his door.

He looked at Maddie, ready to ask her if he should knock, but she already had her copy of the key out.

“Buck? Buck are you here?” she hoped her loud yell was not as fearful as she heard it.

The loft remained quiet, only darkness contributing to the already dreadful atmosphere.

A second later another buzzing claimed their attention.

Buck’s phone was vibrating on the kitchen counter, an almost deafening sound in an otherwise still room.

Chim walked over to it and answered the call.

“Eddie, hi… no it’s me, Chim…. Ed-, Eddie, calm down, we are at his place…we found his phone. His car is here… I don’t know, man, he’s not here, but he can’t have gone far on foot.”

“ _Did you try the roof_?” Eddie asked so loudly in Chimney’s ear that even Maddie could hear it, almost 3 feet away.

“The roof?” the firefighter switched the call to speaker.

_“Yes, there is an access door, from the last floor, Buck sometimes likes watching the sunrise…”_

They were already on the move, and Maddie interrupted Eddie with orders to contact the others and converge at Buck’s. Even if he was not on the roof, this was going to be the starting point for their search.

She didn’t want to do anything less than run and slam the access door with all the strength she had, but she forced herself and Chim to stop just before reaching it.

He looked at her, a question just a second away from forming on his lips.

“If he is…” she wasn’t sure how to continue, what to say “…in distress… we don’t want to spook him.”

“Right, right.” He replied, calming down. Of course she was. He needed to be the firefighter, calming people down, away from ledges, and not the scared friend running towards an upset man.

He let her go first, and they quietly scanned their surroundings.

In the low light of dusk, the rooftop was deserted, the sounds from the street so far under their feet filling the silence.

Chimney looked at Maddie, the light coming off from their phones the only guiding glow at their disposal. She looked disheartened, almost in tears.

“It was worth a shot” he whispered, gently putting a hand on her shoulder. “Maybe if we…”

He never had a chance to finish.

“Maddie? Chim? What are you doing here, guys?

The object of their search chose that moment to appear from up and behind them, on top of the entryway, the darkest corner of the rooftop.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!  
> Hopefully somebody is still enjoying this story, hope you'll like it!  
> As usual, check always the tags, they could change at any chapter.

Buck.

Buck was there, in front of them, a beer held loosely in his hand. And it was probably not the first one of the evening, judging by the case they could see at his feet.

He was wearing the same clothes he had on when he had left the station, so whatever stopped him had happened somewhere between there and here. From a quick check while he was climbing down, Chim noticed that the younger man’s eyes were red and swollen, like he had been crying and was now trying hard to reel in tears.

“You’re okay! Oh my god you are okay!” Maddie interrupted his musings, launching herself at her brother.

Buck stumbled a few steps, more from the surprise – and probably the beer - than any actual force.

“Mads” he replied, perplexed and surprised. “What’s going on?”

“I can’t believe…” words wouldn’t come out now as fear was still governing her actions. Chimney stepped in.

“You didn’t show up at the barbecue, Buck. We tried calling you but…”

“The barbecue? I completely forgot!” Buck exclaimed, a hand passing through his hair. “Wait, you called? What are you talking about, no, I would have heard…” Buck patted on the pocket where he usually kept his phone, finding only fabric. “Oh God.”

“Yep, you left it on the counter” quickly added Chim, handing over the damned object. He had dozens of missed calls.

Buck looked at the floor, ashamed. He then turned to his sister.

“Maddie, I’m sorry I made you worry. I was coming home just for a quick stop, and then I got sidetracked… I’m so sorry.”

Tears were filling her eyes, but she refused to let them fall.

As nobody was saying anything, Buck continued “Was everybody upset? What, Bobby threatened to revoke my sous-chef privileges? Athena must have been pretty pissed off to interrupt dinner, and I guess…”

“Shut up!” Maddie cut him off, “You think we don’t know what you are trying to do? You are making a joke, throwing a bit of shade here and there, trying to shift our focus, as if you didn’t have a care in the world. I know better.”

Buck came closer again.

“Mads, I swear, I didn’t mean to forget about the barbecue. I’m sorry I made you worry, but I’m here, I swear I’m fine!”

She stopped pacing and went straight to his face.

“Why didn’t you tell me about Scott?”

Buck froze.

“How… what…I mean…” the younger man turned to Chim, who raised his hands.

“Sorry man, it slipped. And apparently, you’ve been keeping something from us.”

Buck turned suddenly to his sister, a silent accusation written in his features.

“I didn’t say anything, Buck. But you should have.”

He looked away.

“Still… this does not explain you rushing over here…”

“Really?” sarcasm dripped from her words “After you sent THAT text? About how much you love me?”

Chim was thrown off balance once again, when he saw Buck’s full body reaction at his sister’s words. _It would have probably hurt less if she had actually physically hit him_ was all that he managed to think, noticing how the younger man recoiled away and turned pale.

“Maddie.. you know I wouldn’t…”

“How can you say that when we’ve been here before!” Maddie screamed then, pain and rage coloring her words. 

Buck, who was trying to put a comforting hand on her shoulder, froze mid way.

“What… what does that mean?” Buck, Maddie and Chim turned at the sound of Eddie’s voice trembling in the dark. He must have arrived with Hen while the discussion had been going on. Nobody had even noticed how they had moved away from the door and closer to the edge.

No one bothered to answer him, as the Buckley siblings stared again at each other for what felt like an eternity. He then wrapped his arms around her.

“Mads… you know… I wouldn’t… I…”

“I know.” she said, holding him tighter “Forgive me… I shouldn’t have said…”

“It’s okay, everything’s okay. Let’s go sit down downstairs, what do you say?”

By the time they came back to his apartment, Athena and Bobby were there as well, the cop complaining about the door left open. Maddie was not even sure if she and Chimney had left it like that before rushing to the roof, or maybe Eddie and Hen had when they had arrived.

She wasn’t sure, but she didn’t really care. The only important thing at the moment was held tightly in her hands. She still had to let go of her brother, always close, still touching him, even if only just hand in hand. She needed the reassurance he was alive, because for a second, even only in her head, he hadn’t been.

He passed by everybody, hugging them and apologizing profusely for making them worry. He finally sat on the couch, while his shaky hands moved away anything that was still on the low table in front of it, like trying to get rid of any barrier between him and all the people who cared about him.

“I’m so sorry guys, I didn’t mean to worry any of you.”

There was a strain in his voice, something that hadn’t been there that morning, but that had showed up since the reunion on the roof.

“What’s that, Buck?” Bobby’s question came out of nowhere.

“… a beer?” Buck replied, confused. He was still holding the bottle they found him with on the roof, but by now it was clear that he was taking comfort in holding it more than from drinking it. Even the case of beer that they had found was actually almost full, except for the one in his hand. Bobby’s gaze hardened.

“Not that. That.” he clearly pointed at his left hand, knuckles white from how tight he was holding a piece of crumpled paper that now everybody could openly see peeking.

They all saw him struggling to answer, probably debating what to tell and what not, maybe considering whether to lie.

“We are all here for you, kid. Trust us.” Athena’s voice was warm, like the tone she usually used with May and Harry, and it seemed it was the thing that finally broke through his last piece of resistance, his resolute expression crumbling apart to reveal the scared young man hidden underneath.

Buck let go of the bottle and took a deep breath, while his eyes shined too bright, staring at anything except them.

“It’s… I mean…” he was hesitant at first, but once he started, words flew out of him like a river in flood. He dropped the note on the table, almost threw it as far as possible. “Apparently, Scott passed by the station and left a note for me. He keeps saying he wants to meet and I… I don’t know what to do.”

He found relief in how hard Maddie squeezed his hand in reply. She focused on him.

“I’ll tell you what to do. You’re going to get a restraining order against him, because this… this is harassment. And if he dares coming to the station again, he’s going to get his ass handed to him.”

“Who is he?”

The Buckley siblings turned to Eddie.

“You called him a bully.” he elaborated. “But from both of your reactions it seems that he’s not just that. We want to help, but we need to know what we are up against.”

Buck saw that Bobby wanted to say something, probably to stop all of the pestering like he had done before at the station. But Buck knew that Eddie was right. He trusted them with his life, he could trust them with his past.

“You are right. He was much more than that” with the warmth of his family around him, Buck knew in his heart that he didn’t have anything to hide or be ashamed of. It was his head that needed to catch up. “But to talk about him, I need to go a bit further than me going…at camp.”

He looked at his sister, who smiled in response to him. She was there, she had been there. He could do this.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are with a new chapter!
> 
> **WARNING!!**
> 
> Tags have changed, so please be careful!

“Back when I was in high school, I was a bit of a heartbreaker. I dated a lot, and on a few occasions, I even brought a girlfriend home to meet the family. Maddie was already out of the house, but my parents were always happy to meet any of them, always thinking that I had found “the one”. They had met in high school, you see, and they thought, well, that it could happen for me as well. One day… the first time I came home … with a boyfriend, I didn’t expect it to be any different.”

He paused, expecting some sort of reaction from his coworkers. It wasn’t like he had lied about his orientation, it had just never come up. Or at least that was what he told himself. He knew very well that he had danced around the words many times, never denying he was straight, letting them assume what they wanted. And now he was in for the reaction he had dreaded for so long. When nothing happened, he tentatively raised his eyes. Hen was actually smiling so big that it almost blinded him. He should have known that, he knew them. Of course there was no shock, no disgust on their faces. He had just let his past experience and his fears fester in his mind and make him think they would not be supportive. Camp Raystown had left him living this part of his life with the brake on. It was another notch on the long tally of things that Scott was responsible for. He smiled sadly at the realization.

But that wasn’t going to be his life anymore.

_Inhale. Exhale_.

He resumed the story.

“Our parents are not…the most emotionally available people. That’s probably the best way to describe them. There was always… a sort of disconnection between them and us.” He smiled sadly at his sister, who nodded in agreement. “They do what they need to do because it’s duty, they help me if I need them because that’s expected. And when I revealed that I wasn’t… what they expected of me… they didn’t know what to do. So, they went and searched for… somebody to help, I guess. They just wanted to understand me and for me to understand myself. Or at least that’s what they said.”

_“I don’t understand, mom. Are you sending me away?”_

_“No, Evan, no. It’s just… we just want you to be happy. And Camp Raystown… they can help with that. It’s just for a few weeks!”_

_“They can…_ help _?”_

“I even liked what I saw in the brochures, all the activities they offered… I mean, yeah, it was advertised as a camp for soul searching and self-realization, but I was more focused and kind of amazed by the fact that my parents were going to pay for something that was not preparatory for college. So, I didn’t even put much, if any, resistance in going. It looked like fun.”

_“Hi, I’m Scott Hendricks and I’m going to be your team leader for the next few weeks. And you are?”_

_“Evan. Evan Buckley”_

_“Hi Evan, I hope you are ready for our intense program. At Camp Raystown we only have the best of the best.” he was smiling, almost grinning, like he knew he was repeating a stupid slogan. He sounded nice._

_“I sure hope so!”_

_“Me too.”_

“I even managed to make some friends on the first day.” A melancholic smile appeared on his face, not quite reaching his eyes.

_“Hi, my name is Izzie, I think we are on the same team!”_

_“Oh, hi, I’m Evan, nice to meet you.”_

“Then, things started getting weird. They started with withholding food every now and again, as a punishment, even if we were never actually told what rules we were breaking. They sometimes separated us in groups, made us talk about the meaning of family, and in those moments it felt like we were in a religious cult or something, with the people in charge taking notes of our answers… those days seemed kind of creepy… But again, all this weirdness was spaced out by normal camp activities, like canoeing on the lake, learning survival skills, everything they showed in the brochures…one night, I remember sharing a meal with Scott in front of the campfire, talking about our parents…” he paused, like he was bracing himself for something “Next thing I know, I woke up restrained to a chair.”

_“What’s going on? HELP! Somebody help!” he hears a heavy door opening behind him. Evan tries turning around, but there are leather restraints on his ankles and wrists, and one long strap holding his head in place, making it impossible to face anything but forward._

_“Hello, Evan, I see you’re awake.” a familiar voice._

_“…Scott? What happened? Why…” the older guy appears on his left, dressed in an all-white working suit. He’s wearing gloves and that makes Evan shiver even more than the cold._

_“I would have preferred doing this while you were asleep, but, well, it doesn’t change much…”_

_Only then Evan notices the IV bag he’s carrying on a cart next to him._

_The pain of the needle breaking his skin is nothing compared to what he’s going to feel for the rest of his stay._

“It was a conversion therapy camp?” Hen’s trembling voice broke halfway through the question and Buck could only nod in her direction.

“Conversion therapy is not illegal in Pennsylvania at the moment, and it certainly wasn’t back then. Even now when we know that, well, sexuality is not really something you can or should change… unfortunately, only a few counties have started banning its practice, and it’s a very recent change.”

He realized his cheeks were wet, and abruptly tried to dry them out. He didn’t know at what point of his story he had started crying, but he felt the urge to stop. He was fine. It had been years. He was free.

“How…how were you able to survive?” Chimney shifted uncomfortably on his chair, probably questioning himself about whether he shouldn’t have asked that question.

Buck nervously tried to clear his throat.

“I was one of the lucky ones” shocked faces appeared in front of him, “I… they used some drugs to induce me to vomit while they played some…explicit videos. To try to link those feelings, I presume.” He sighed again, trying to reign in his emotions, the pain, the shame, the terror that were gathering so close to the surface he was worried his team could see them on his skin. He focused again, trying to explain the impact of seeing and hearing Scott in front of the National History Museum, how the story had started for them. “That nickname he gave me… it was a joke between my last name and… the actual bucket that I had to use every time I felt the need to puke. Which was pretty often.”

_“Considering how attached you are to that bucket, maybe that’s should be your new name… what do you think, Little Bucket?_

He remembered how he had felt Scott’s voice so close to his face, his breath on his skin. His body trembled out of his control, hands shaking like they would never stop.

“But other people were less lucky. They were rumors of electroshock therapy, and I even heard of threats of lobotomies… but they thought I could be saved. As a possible bisexual guy, I was closer to the right path than a gay man or a lesbian girl.”

Nobody knew what to say for a long moment.

“How long were you there for?” Athena’s cop side showed up and Buck could only shrug, as he didn’t know the answer.

“Almost three months.” The low whisper came from his left, with another hand squeeze underlining the horror that Maddie must have felt. Buck gave her a gentle nudge, indicating that she should continue.

“I was working full time as a nurse in another city, living on my own, when all of this was happening. I used to call home pretty often back then, but one time I decided to use a few of my days off and go back home. I thought that Buck had been angry at me for some reason, since he was never available to talk to me, but my parents were always telling me some excuses that were becoming old very fast. When I realized he wasn’t there, I tried talking with my parents, I argued with them until I managed to get to the truth.” She was looking straight in front of her, not really seeing them. “Like they told Buck, they told me that they had sent him to a place where he could be understood and be happy. It all just sounded terrifying to me. I tried to contact him at camp and those people told me almost the same excuses that my parents had.” She remembered the panic she had felt once she acknowledged that people were lying to her. Lying about her baby brother. “So, I took my car and drove there. The moment they wouldn’t let me in to talk with him, I was certain something was wrong. So, I called the police. Luckily, one of the officers took me seriously. Less than 48 hours later the police raided the camp and freed everybody.”

_“Evan! Evan! Has anybody seen my brother?” She keeps asking any person that comes her way “He has a birthmark above his eye, he’s tall…”_

_“…Maddie?” a rough, soft spoken voice sprouts from a group of kids surrounded by EMTs. She almost doesn’t recognize him. Her brother is big and loud in all aspects of his life, the embodiment of the sun. The kid in front of her is shy, not even looking at her, heavily malnourished, and keeps himself in a bundle as little as possible. As if he were to break in a million pieces in letting go of his hold on himself._

“You’re safe now. I won’t let him hurt you again.” back to the present, she willed her voice to be strong.

“None of us will.” Bobby spoke for the first time in a while. He was looking at Athena and there was some non-verbal conversation going on between the two of them, before they focused again on the rest of the 118 family.

“I know. I know… I’m… ” Buck tried to say _fine_ but the word stopped in his throat, his body betraying him from saying a lie that nobody would have believed in anyway.

“It’s okay not to be fine.” Hen was suddenly in front of him, keeping her distance. After hearing his story, she wouldn’t be surprised if touching him would risk triggering a reaction. She looked at him with nothing but love and empathy in her eyes.

All the looks that his family – of blood and not – were sending him finally broke him.

He started crying, sobs wrecking his body as he tried to breathe through the chaos. Bobby was quick in covering the short distance that separated them and he wrapped his arms around the kid he considered his son. Buck didn’t make any resistance and almost crashed against his captain’s chest, gasping for air.

Chimney moved to his girlfriend’s side and held her while she silently cried as well. It soon became a group hug.

A look was exchanged among the fire fam, while they left the Buckley siblings regain their composure.

“Every time I close my eyes, I see Izzie dying…” Buck sobbed out of the blue.

“He killed someone and he is already out?” Athena’s rage was strong in that question, like she was already set to go and hunt the man down without even a second of doubt.

Buck managed to disentangle himself enough from Bobby’s hug, without actually leaving the older man’s warmth, to glance at her.

“No, no, it was just… he… he didn’t kill her… at least not with his own hands.” His eyes filled again with tears, but now something else was slowly starting to make its appearance.

“Izzie was… she was like me. We were both in the group under Scott and… we went through the... the same things… but she didn’t… once we were home… she didn’t have a good support system, unlike me… she didn’t have someone that would stop her if…if she tried…” Buck was again looking at the floor. “She killed herself not even a month after we got rescued.”

What could anyone reply to that? Bobby kept his hold on Buck, as if he were to disappear from beside him if he just let go.

“You said… unlike you…” Eddie was slowly piecing together all the information “and before, on the roof… Maddie said you had been there before…”

The implications were strong and did not need to be voiced out loud.

“If you’re asking me if I tried to kill myself before…” Buck ignored the full body shudder of everybody else in the room. “…the answer is yes.”

Eddie, Chim and Hen had been on the roof when Maddie had half revealed it before, so Buck saw just sad confirmation in their eyes. For Bobby and Athena instead, the shock was quite evident on their faces. She suddenly sat on the nearest surface – the coffee table in that case – while Bobby tightened his hold on the younger man. Buck didn’t want to hurt any of them, but he also knew that it was a story that needed to be told.

“I had thought about it many times since my rescue, but never _really_ thought of actually doing it. To me it just seemed like a rhetorical exercise, like those philosophical problems you talk about in class… but the more I _wasn’t_ thinking about it, the more pros and cons I was weighing.”

_I can’t do it with pills, Maddie keeps tabs on them. I don’t think Grandpa owns any guns and I certainly have no idea where to find one. Maybe using a car? Like those movies where you get poisoning by carbon monoxide? No, too much noise, the neighbors would probably get involved as well._

“I didn’t even realize that I had made a choice until I was on the balcony outside of the attic. I told myself that I just wanted to have a peek of the outside, breathe in fresh air…” his eyes were unfocused, clearly stuck in the past “…but then I was on the ledge, and all I could think about was how much easier and less painful everybody’s life would be if I just jumped. My grandparents’ house is huge, I was so far off the ground and I knew that it all depends on how you land and…” his breath caught in his throat, blocking the story half way, but nobody in the room needed further explanations.

“What stopped you?” Chimney’s question was an easy one, and judging from his facial expression, he probably had guessed the answer already.

Buck turned to his sister, still there, like the lifeline she had always been.

_“I love you Mads, but I can’t, I don’t… I don’t know how… how to go on like this!”_

_“I’m telling you that you can. You have me, you are not on your own!”_

“Maddie. She found me. Just in time” He sniffled a little, trying and failing to regain composure “I mean we were just shouting at each other at the beginning, which probably wasn’t very helpful. But it felt normal. It felt real. And then she looked at me that night and told me that I had two options.”

“You can either let the monsters win or you can fight them.” She completed the story. It was a lesson hard learned, and one that was difficult to remember when in need.

“And that’s exactly what we did, watching all the people involved standing trial and getting sent away. Some even for good.”

He looked back at all those present in the room.

“I promise you, all of you. It doesn’t matter how much seeing him affected me. I would never do that again to you. To me. It would mean letting him win and as you know… I’m a pretty sore loser.” 

Everybody started laughing at that, someone a bit more hysterical than others.

Once everybody had managed to shake the emotions of the night off of them, even just for a little while, Athena rose again from her sit and got back in charge mode.

“Unless somebody has better things to do, I vote we go back to the amazing barbecue that is still waiting for us” she ruled “and let’s not forget about the special dessert” she clearly meant the last remark for Buck, who could only look confused. Luckily, his sister came to the rescue.

“I prepared a Shoofly pie.”

“What? Really? Why didn’t you lead with that?!” he tried to sound as cheerful as he would have been on any other night finding out his favorite childhood dessert was waiting for him somewhere.

And if the shove he received wasn’t all that playful, he only had himself to blame.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys! Hopefully the heavy exposition didn't bore you too much.  
> It was necessary to set up the rest of the story.  
> Buckle up for the rest of the ride!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! A new chapter awaits you, what do you think is gonna happen this time?  
> Thank you again to everybody who is still reading my story, hope you'll enjoy it!

In the days after his breakdown, Buck found himself unable to be on his own. Not of his own volition, though. Chim and Maddie kept inviting him over, even for their weekly night of poker, him and Josh still passing each other the “worst player” title. Hen allegedly needed help with the new child her and Karen were currently fostering. Lastly, he was invited once again for dinner at Bobby and Athena’s place, not even a week after the almost derailed barbecue. They all wanted to remind him of his place in their family, that they were not letting him go anywhere, not even alone in his head.

Days passed by and in no time, the terrorizing appearance of Scott in his life became a dull ache. Not forgotten or buried, but far from being at the centre of his mind. Buck felt happiness within arm’s reach once again.

Most of his free time he found himself at the Diaz’s place, like that night. Chris wanted help for his science presentation, claiming Eddie was not going to be of any help.

“Have you decided what you’re going to talk about for the presentation, Chris?” Eddie asked having noticed that the duo was surrounded by supplies. “Wait a second, is that a drill?”

Buck quickly raised his hands to calm down his distressed partner.

“Don’t worry _Dad_ , there is no drill bit, no harm can be done. And I already talked with the teacher, and he’s going to handle this part of the experiment.”

“I told him I can do it, but both Mr. Jones and Buck said no.” Chris complained.

“Mr. Jones said it’s an interesting topic for third graders, so we got the green light. Chris here wants just to try the experimental part before doing it in front of the class.”

“I still have no idea what you’re talking about, buddy.” Eddie replied, clearly still confused.

“It’s friction! Look, this is all you need.” Chris started ordering all the bits and pieces that were laying on the table “You glue together multiple pieces of paper, then you cut them in a shape of a circle - or a saw in this case - and then you attach them to the drill.”

The nine-year old left the tool to the expert hands of his Buck. When the paper circle started to spin, Chris passed him an empty water bottle.

Buck, on his part, started humming what was probably supposed to be a suspenseful music, and with Chris cheering on the side, let the pieces connect.

The plastic bottle didn’t stand a chance.

“See dad! Isn’t it cool?” Chris’ enthusiasm was easily contagious.

“Yes mijo. It is pretty cool” he smiled in Buck’s direction, happy to see him grinning in return. “I didn’t know paper could cut plastic.”

“It’s like I always say, it’s not what you have, it’s how you use it!” the younger man chuckled, like he had just made the greatest joke ever.

He could get used to this.

Everything was great.

“It’s all my fault.”

Maddie’s statement came from nowhere and Chim couldn’t do anything but let his surprise guide him for the next few moments.

“I’m sorry, what?”

He was in the middle of preparing dinner for one of the few nights they both weren’t on shift, and they had been quite enjoying their stay-at-home date right before Maddie had dropped that bomb.

She was sitting next to the counter, head in her hands.

“Why are you saying that?” he prompted her again. Once he realized she wasn’t going to offer anything else, he left the pot on the stove and quickly sat next to her.

“Talk to me.”

She finally looked at him and he could see the faint trace of tears running on her cheeks.

“Buck keeping secrets… It’s all my fault.” she repeated, firmly “I told Buck that he needed to talk, berated him because he didn’t tell me about Scott’s return… but he didn’t… because of me. I did the same thing about Doug.”

She exhaled heavily, tension raising in her shoulders. And Chim could notice it, because he was tensing as well. How could he not when hearing the name of the guy that almost killed him. Killed both of them. He had been confident they had managed to get past this, the reminder of her previous life, their seemingly conquered trauma. But everything that had happened, that was still happening to their family, had brought it back to the surface.

_How did I not see this coming?_

Chim would have kicked himself if he could.

He braced himself, knowing that that was not going to be an easy discussion.

“It’s exactly _because_ of what you went through with Doug, that you know what’s best to do in his situation. You know your brother, you know what happened to him, you know that he needs – that he needed - us. You can’t fault yourself for that, for any of this.”

She stared at him for a while, a range of emotions clouding her eyes. Her jaw set firmly, the shaking of her hands long gone.

“I understand what you are saying… but… I should… I should have…” she paused, trying to untangle the wave of words that was crashing in her “after the camp… after Izzie died… when he tried…” she paused, drying her tears with the back of her hand “I told him that he needed to survive the monsters that had hurt him, that he couldn’t let them win. But _now_ , when he needed me, he… he didn’t come to me… and I think… it’s because of my history with Doug. Because he was thinking about how _his own_ story would affect _me_. He told you he wanted to protect me, because I would have been upset… he needed me and… he suffered on his own all this time because he still wants to protect me, when I… I should be the one protecting him!”

Her sobs became stronger, wrecking her body, overwhelmed under the guilt that threatened to drown her. Her little brother was always so strong, even when he should allow himself not to be. Again, for a second time in their lifetime, Maddie was failing her little brother, failing in protecting him from the people that thought they should control who he could love, who he could care about. The thought of Scott being in the same city as her brother, being so close that he had managed to talk to him, made her sick to her stomach.

Chim pulled her into his arms, a hand moving slowly on her back, trying to sooth her pain away.

“It’s not your fault” he asserted “Buck thought he was doing the right thing, but now he knows he’s not alone in this. You _made sure_ of it.”

She moved in his hug, just enough so they could look at each other.

He hesitated for a second, a nagging question that demanded an answer making itself known to him.

“Can I ask you a question about… about Camp Raystown?”

She raised one of her eyebrows at him.

“Okay…?” she didn’t sound particularly convinced, but she didn’t want anything between them.

“Buck said…Buck said that you went “ballistic” when you found out what happened to him. Those were his words… What did he mean?”

She snorted, moving again to try not to laugh directly in his face. Of all the questions that she had been concerned about, that one had not made the list.

“Did he seriously…? I mean yeah, I guess…” she struggled to find the right words, but his confused face pushed her to continue “Well, once, when we were at the trial, Scott tried to talk to him… I had never seen Buck so terrified… and I… well… I put myself in front of him and when he got close enough I… I punched him in the face. Did not manage to break his nose, though.”

He laughed imagining his girlfriend standing straight in all her 5-foot-2-inches glory and throwing herself against a guy that was more than a foot taller than her.

She looked at him with the infamous Buckley smile, the one undeniably brighter than the sun. It was in those moments, those gestures, that the resemblance between the siblings was most evident.

He turned serious again, glad to have been able to bring back some joy in her mind.

“He’s not alone in this fight.” he pressed “Everything is going be fine.”

Chim hugged her tighter, silently cursing the universe that seemed to be so set on hurting two of the most important people in his life.

A few nights later, Buck opened the door of his apartment, tiredness clinging to every muscle in his body. It was late, later than expected. A fire had broken out in a bakery and it had easily jumped over to the next building, an 11-story apartment complex. They had tried their best, but there had been casualties. Kids had been involved and were amongst the wounded, some already critical by the time they had arrived.

Buck loved his job, but certain days, it sucked. The somber mood had followed the 118 back to the station.

All of his coworkers had invited him to join them at their houses, but Buck had declined, fatigue claiming him. He needed a shower and his own bed. Moreover, almost everybody in the team had kids and Buck didn’t want to intrude on what was certainly going to be a night full of love and comfort.

He was so distracted by his own thoughts that he didn’t realize someone was in his apartment until the person spoke.

“Hello, Evan.”

Buck froze halfway on the steps of the loft stairs.

_Scott_ he thought.

He peeked down, through the planks of wood and – yes – he was there, sitting on his couch, a smile worthy of a shark illuminating his face. Buck’s body was frozen on the spot at the sight of his former tormentor.

“How... How did you get in my house?” he didn’t like how his voice trembled on those few words out of his mouth. He forced it to be still “How did you even find this place, Scott?”

Scott snorted.

“Finding it was pretty easy actually” the man’s eyes were gleaming in the reflection of the natural light, conferring him a diabolic look that went well with the tone of voice he was using. “You have quite the following online… one of the heroes of LA… It was how I found out you were here in the first place, you know?”

Buck started his descent slowly, trying to keep his distance from the man who, on his part, moved back towards the kitchen area of the house.

The firefighter calmly moved his hand to the left pocket of his jacket, where his phone was resting. He wasn’t sure how much charge it still had, but he hoped it was enough to make a phone call. He just prayed that Scott was too distracted in his monologue to pay attention to such a small movement.

“And, you know, after the trial, I wasn’t allowed to do any job related to people’s care. So, I decided to get into constructions, like my old man! And wouldn’t you like to know, how many different skills you acquire in building houses!” the Smile was still there, never leaving his face, but the longer it stayed on, the more it turned into something much more sinister, that was making Buck’s skin crawl.

Buck’s hand gently reached his phone and expertly clicked on a number that had been in his speed dial for almost three years. Now he could only hope that that person would pick up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bwahaha! Yes, we end this chapter in a cliffhanger!  
> Hopefully you won't hate me!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thank you so much to all the people that are still following this fic, you are the reason I wirte (other than indulge the plot bunnies running around in my brain, :D)
> 
> **WARNING!**
> 
> Bit of a spoiler, there is a fight in the chapter, but nothing too graphic, I think. Still, here was your warning!
> 
> Enjoy!

Dinner was never a quiet affair in the Nash-Grant household. Music was playing in the living room, coming from the new videogame Bobby and Harry were playing while May was quietly chatting on her computer with some friends.

Athena smiled at the coziness of the evening.

She was in the middle of preparing dinner when her phone rang. She left the wooden spoon next to the pan where the vegetables were stir-frying and she moved to the counter where she had left the mobile. Her eyebrow rose in a not so silent question.

“Bobby?” she raised her voice so that her husband could hear her from the next room “Do you have any idea why Buck would be calling me at this hour?”

“No…?” he replied, shaking his head while appearing from the living room.

She moved the phone to her ear.

“Hey Buckaroo, what…” she started, but voices on the other end interrupted her straight away.

“Buck??” she repeated, this time worry coloring her voice so strongly that even May and Harry, now busy setting the table, came to the kitchen, matching puzzled expressions.

Bobby chose that instant to gesture towards the phone and she hastily moved the call to speaker.

“ _…get out of here, now. This is trespassing.”_

_“But you refused any contact with me! How are we supposed to talk if you never reply to my invites?”_

_“The silence on my part should have been a clear answer,_ Scott. _”_

At the mention of the name, Bobby and Athena looked at each other. There was no need to talk. She flung the phone at him and run to the safe where her gun was stored, while he gave quick instructions to the kids. They looked confused but the seriousness of the situation left them silent.

The couple left the house on record time.

They hadn’t even left their driveway when they heard crashing sounds and loud yells coming from her phone.

Bobby quickly took out his phone, and held it so Athena could talk to dispatch.

“This is 727-L-30, I need all available units to converge at the address ASAP. Breaking and entering, and assault ongoing.” Athena almost shouted the address of Buck’s place, anxiety pooling in her stomach.

She stepped harder on the gas.

“You need to leave.”

Buck was trying to keep his hands still, while moving to get closer to the door. He didn’t want to leave Scott in his apartment, in his house, but if he wouldn’t leave, Buck would not stay there either. He was trying to decide what to say next, while the other man circled towards him, reminding Buck of all those documentaries on sharks that he watched. He didn’t like feeling like the prey.

“Why are you here, Scott?” the question escaped his lips before he even had the time to think it.

“You never called me, Bucket! And I needed to talk to you.”

“Talk to me about what?” for an instant he let himself believe in Hen’s words from so long ago, when she offered him the idea of Scott making amends. He quickly shut the possibility down, considering that the other man was still using that loathed moniker. Not to mention finding him in his house, uninvited. Scott didn’t reply, he just looked at him again with that creepy grin of his.

“I’m not going to repeat myself. You need to get out of here, now. This is trespassing.”

“But you refused any contact with me! How are we supposed to talk if you never reply to my invites?”

“The silence on my part should have been a clear answer, _Scott_. _”_

“I just thought you were ignoring me, like when you didn’t want to talk to me back at camp…”

“When I…?” Buck was astonished by the words that kept coming out of Scott’s mouth. “Are you out of your mind?”

The other man laughed, quickly shaking his head.

“That’s not a nice thing to say, Evan. You need to be more polite with a guest.”

It was Buck this time who advanced towards the taller man, a quiet anger filling his body and smoothing his movements.

“Let’s make it clear once and for all.” He gestured towards the exit “One: you are not a guest. Two: you need to leave.”

He turned to the door, ready to open it and chase the guy out of his house.

He never made it.

One moment he was walking, the next he was colliding against the wall, head first, the consequence of a strong shove aimed at his back. He forced his hands in front of him to brace for the impact, while he distinctly heard the sound of his phone clattering on the floor.

With pain irradiating through his body, Buck turned very slowly towards the other man. In their past encounter, Scott had used him, lied to him, drugged him and hurt him in more ways than he wanted to admit, but he had never laid a finger on him, relying on the safety of the restraints to hold him down, on the clouding effect of the drugs to disorient him, on the screams of other people to terrorize him. A defenseless teenager.

Buck didn’t have much time to think about this disconcerting development, as the other man threw himself in his direction. Buck slid towards the kitchen, dodging the incoming punch. He may have not known how to fight back then, but he did now. Rushing to his feet, he pushed against the counter to balance himself while kicking as hard as he could at Scott’s advancing figure.

Right away, Buck run forward, tackling Scott to the ground, hearing a satisfying grunt when the other man’s back hit the railing behind him. They both went crashing to the floor, rolling through lost balances. A punch hit Buck straight in the face, vibrations pulsing through, and he stumbled a few steps, while an annoying ringing started. Scott was on him again, trying not to waste the moment of dizziness. Buck somehow managed to block the next hit, taking the full brunt of it with his right arm, and threw a mean left to the other man’s main body. All of a sudden Scott’s arms surrounded him, trying to grapple him, and Buck instinctively drove his elbow straight into the other man’s ribs, breaking contact.

He was used to be always the bigger or at least taller man, in any situation. Having to fight somebody who actually had inches on him, not to mention the size of his arms, was not easy. Something got thrown at him and he couldn’t avoid it completely. The object shattered on impact with his face, fragments cutting it and leaving red burning scratches in their wake.

Scott had totally had some sort of training, or maybe just more brawling experience, but Buck was confident he could last long enough until the cavalry showed up. For a second, he asked himself how he could even be sure whether he had managed to start the call and his eyes involuntarily flickered towards the floor, in search of his phone, fallen who knew where. And that moment of distraction was enough for Scott, who managed to capture him in a tight hold that left no space for movement, arms immobilized.

Scott’s arms were so tight on his chest that he couldn’t draw a breath, or concentrate, when suddenly the ground under his feet disappeared. The other man threw him onto the kitchen table like a rag doll. His side screamed in agony at the abuse, while the table broke under such an assault.

Evan’s head hit the ground and darkness engulfed him.

Bobby watched his wife speeding through the streets of LA as if the devil were chasing them. He knew it was not true. The only devil in LA that he cared about at the moment was in the same room as his kid, and they were running towards him, not away.

Athena’s phone had been silent for the last few minutes, phone call ending abruptly, and the captain of the 118 tried not to worry, to convince himself that they were going to find Buck safe and sound. Maybe bruised, but alive. It was the second time in not so many weeks that he had to take into consideration Buck’s possible not well-being. He wasn’t sure he was strong enough for it.

They parked the car in between LAPD vehicles, indicating units had already arrived and were dealing with the situation.

Officers tried to stop them once they got to Buck’s floor, but they retreated at the sight of the sergeant’s badge.

The moment they got past the loft door, Bobby and Athena froze.

It looked like a tornado had hit everywhere their eyes landed on.

The kitchen table was broken, the chairs scattered across an unrecognizable mess of everything that had once been on a solid surface. Trails of blood colored dramatically the picture. They were too late.

_Where is he?_

The question kept tumbling in their minds.

After what if felt like both an eternity and an instant, one of the detectives that had just arrived at the scene came closer to the couple.

“Sergeant Grant, right? I’m detective Marlowe, assigned to the case. You were the one to call in the B and E, correct?”

Athena could only nod her head in confirmation. A second later she shrugged off the shock that she was feeling and fully turned her attention to the investigator.

“What have we got? What’s the status on B… on the tenant, Evan Buckley? Is he injured?” she waved her hand towards the destruction that was Buck’s home. She forced herself not to stare at the traces of blood on the floor.

_Maybe he’s somewhere giving a statement. Maybe Scott is the one injured._ She knew she was lying to herself, but she couldn’t stop. Pressure started building in her chest.

“Unfortunately, by the time the units arrived, nobody was here.” Marlowe added some of the usual comforting words, treating them like the family of a victim.

But Athena did not need that kind of platitude. Buck needed help. Buck had her and the whole fire fam to count on.

She took in a breath of air and held it for a few seconds, calming down the rage and anxiety fighting inside of her. The sobs that were threatening to come out receded, leaving her with a clear mind.

She didn’t waste time and started explaining to the detective what had happened earlier: the call, the fight they overheard, the names of the people involved. Marlowe’s frown grew bigger at every word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... What did you think? (*me hiding behind my bed) Do you hate me yet?


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! Thank you so much to all the people still reading my story, you inspire me for every new chapter!  
> I hope i won't disappoint you!  
> Quick shout out to my beta reader, Dream_editor, who always makes sure that the story is the best it can be!

It was the pain in his side that brought Buck back to consciousness. At every bump on the road he could feel something getting jabbed repeatedly on his hip, where, judging by the increasing ache, a bruise was already forming. His body was sore everywhere, shoulder, side, head, and the ringing that had started earlier in his ears was still there, loud and clear.

He blinked a few times, trying to gather his bearings. Another bump, and his shoulder hit something hard, metallic. Again, for a second, pain was all he knew, and Buck hissed loudly. Luckily though, it was the jolt he needed to fully wake up, and he finally started to scan his surroundings.

He was inside a moving van, that was easy to guess, quietly speeding through traffic. His hands were tied in front of him with plastic zip ties, digging painfully in his wrists and a scarf, a bandana, something fabric was tied over his mouth, the knot painful on the back of his head, pressing too closely to the point of impact of his flight against the kitchen table. Same treatment for his legs, secured at the ankles. He could swear that his legs were tied with one of his old LAFD t-shirt, torn into pieces of cloth just for this reason. If he could get any angrier at Scott, he would.

Out of the blue, Scott swore loudly in the compartment at the front of the van and Buck tried to crawl the farther from him as he could. There was a panel between them, but still Buck felt too exposed, at his mercy. The van swerved abruptly and he braced himself the best he could, which was not much at the moment. He breathed deeply.

_What the fuck is he trying to do? Kidnap me? To what end?_

Buck didn’t waste too much time in trying to find answers. What he needed was to get out of there.

He tried pulling at his hands to break apart the ties, but his right shoulder, the one that took most of the brunt against the kitchen table, protested loudly. He stifled the moan that threatened to come out. He couldn’t let Scott know he was awake.

He needed to find something to break his hands free, but what? There was nothing in the van except for him and he certainly didn’t have anything that could help his escape, Scott surely would have gotten rid of anything.

A memory popped in his mind. When he was searching for ideas for Christopher’s science presentation on friction, he had found numerous videos on what that force could do to plastic. That’s where the whole cutting the water bottle with paper came from. And one of those videos, he was sure, was on how to break zip ties with just friction. He had not clicked on it, as it seemed way too harsh a topic for third graders, but it certainly seemed useful now. He remembered the preview of the video though, and he was certain that it involved using his shoe laces to saw through the plastic.

_Okay, it doesn’t sound too complicated._

He started working quietly as he could, and made fast work of the fabric restraint at his legs. Yep, it was his shirt alright. Next, after a few tries and grunts, he managed to untie his laces and retie them slipping them through the manacles. He started moving, almost like pedaling on a bike, as fast as he could in that weird position, trying to keep the motion going consistently, until he watched the plastic snap apart with smug satisfaction.

He would need to thank Chris with the biggest gift he would be able to find.

_Just in time_ , he thought as he recognized the motions the van was going through as a classic parking maneuver.

He slid closer to the van doors and tried the handle, but nothing. They were locked. The only plan in his mind now was knocking Scott off balance once the doors opened and then running like mad closer to wherever other people were.

_It’s a smart plan._ He told himself. _Easy, two steps._ And if he noticed that his own voice sounded hysterical, nobody was there to point it out.

The doors opened all of a sudden and all Buck was aware of for the next few seconds was a jolt of electricity running through his already injured body. He should have taken into account the possibility of Scott having something up his sleeve. In this case, a Taser gun.

“Where do you think you were going, Little Bucket?” he could hear the smile on the other man’s lips, while darkness clawed at him “We only just started.”

“There must be something we can do!” Eddie slummed his fist against the wall, frustration evident in both words and motions.

Bobby could just stand there, quiet in front of him. He knew how Eddie felt, it was the same for everybody in the room. He had requested all of the team at his house, not giving any details, just claiming an impromptu emergency meeting.

He and Athena had known that it was best to explain the situation face to face, and judging from everybody’s reaction, it had been the right call.

“What is the LAPD doing?” Hen inquired, the calmness projecting from her a clear effort to hide her true emotions.

“Photos of Scott Hendricks are circulating amongst all precincts, and detective Marlowe has people tracking down the GPS of the number he gave Buck. So far, they haven’t had much luck”

“He could be anywhere! How do we know Scott is not dragging Buck back to Pennsylvania?” Eddie’s temperament was not receding, so Athena opted for a clear and fast reply.

“There are road blocks at every highway entry point and every border, in case he somehow even got that far. Marlowe had them in place the moment I explained what we knew. If he plans to move Buck by car, he won’t be able to pass by them. We know he arrived in LA by plane, but it’s highly unlikely he’ll try to travel the same way back, too many controls.”

“What about by sea? The port of Los Angeles is one of the busiest in the States!”

Athena was fast in shutting down Chimney’s idea.

“For precisely that reason, it’s also one with the best security, and both the LAPD patrols stationed there and the Coast Guard have been informed of what’s happening. He’s not going to be able to escape that way.”

“So, they are still in the city.”

“For the moment at least. There are no vehicles rented under Scott’s real name, but rental companies are getting copies of his photo as we speak.”

Silence was their only companion for a while.

“Is there anyone we can contact?” Eddie’s voice sounded so frail in the quiet room “I mean, back in Pennsylvania, the people that worked on the case… someone that might know more about Scott?”

“I’ll see what I can do. But think about this, Marlowe is a good detective, one of the best of her precinct. She knows what she’s doing, ok?” her logic was met again with resistance.

“There must be something we can do!” Eddie repeated, this time despair winning over anger. Tears filled his eyes and he dropped unceremoniously onto the closest chair, hands covering his face while trying to stop his body to convulse under his sobs. “I can’t … _We_ can’t lose him.”

“And we won’t!” Bobby drew closer to the younger firefighter, confidence present strong in his voice. “If he wanted to… to kill him, he would have done so already. Instead he took him, so he needs him alive.”

The captain winced. It sounded so close to what he had said to Buck when Maddie had been the one kidnapped. Fate surely did seem to have it out against the Buckley siblings.

“How is that supposed to reassure me? Scott tortured Buck for weeks!” Eddie flailed his hands, dramatic movements born of the panic that filled his limbs. “How do we know he’s not doing it again? What if he wants to get revenge on one of the guys that put him in jail?”

“Buck didn’t testify. And Scott did not go to jail.”

Everybody turned to face Maddie. She had been silent since the moment she had arrived at the house, knowing in her heart that the reason for the meeting had to be related to Buck as he had been the only one not answering in the fire fam chat. She was standing up, leaning on the nearest wall, her eyes to the floor, nails scratching at the skin slowly reddening under such an attack.

“What.. what did you say?” Eddie inquired.

Confused glances were directed at her.

“You guys said there was a trial, that you guys were there!” Hen’s voice sounded a bit accusatory and, after a quick look from Athena, she was quick in muttering an apology. Maddie didn’t seem to be affected though.

“Oh Buck wanted to testify, don’t get me wrong. But our parents... they decided that he shouldn’t. They would not allow him to be involved in any of it. You are not even going to find my brother’s name anywhere in the paperwork related to the case. He was a minor so when my parents requested it, the ADA was more than happy to oblige. You should have seen Buck” she almost laughed at the memory “when he found out that he wasn’t going to be on the stand… he fought with my parents, with the ADA, with the detectives… he even went to the precinct and then to the trial, all on his own, until I caught on. He was still scared of all those people, he couldn’t even sleep through the night without nightmares… but he said… he said that he was supposed to do what was right, not what was easy. He needed to be involved somehow. He needed to do right by all the other victims. That day was the first time I saw my brother, _the real him_ , again. He became so insistent that he managed to convince everybody to at least let him give a more detailed, anonymous, statement that could be read in court. I was so proud of him.”

She dried the tears in her eyes with her hand before they even started to fall. Chimney was quick in reaching her.

“Everything is going to be fine. Buck is strong, the strongest of all of us.” Even if they couldn’t possibly be sure about the future, they needed all the hope they could muster. He squeezed her hand in reassurance and she smiled back. He talked with such certainty in his voice, that it almost made her believe him on the strength of the words alone.

“You said Scott didn’t go to jail?” Athena was not losing focus. They needed all the information they could get, Marlowe as well.

“No, he didn’t. He was barely 19 when Buck was there, it was his first… his first real job, and his family managed to make it look like he had just been brainwashed by the people who were actually in charge.” She grimaced at the memory, and then quickly continued as she saw anger rising in everybody’s eyes. “He was sentenced to probation for 5 years and mandatory psychiatric monitoring for at least the same amount of time.”

“Seriously? Just that?” Chimney started pacing at that, irritability taking over. “He tortured kids and all he gets is a slap on the wrist?”

“It’s more than he even expected to get.” Maddie shrugged, having already had the time to wrap her mind around the unfairness of it all. “His parents were very influential people in the community, hosting fundraises for the local politicians, for charities... they were well respected. And they had the money and the means to change the public’s opinion.”

“Could they be helping him now?”

Maddie shook her head.

“I don’t think so… they didn’t really seemed concerned about him… I mean, all that it mattered to them was the embarrassment created by their son being on trial, such a big coverage from the news, so the second they could, they sent him away, to work in one of their constructions companies, in a different state. They were trying to hide him and all the shame they felt.” Maddie sighed loudly and then a sad smirk made its appearance on her face “They would have gotten along great with my parents…”

“Why do you say that?” Hen’s voice was calm and reassuring and Maddie looked at her with a sad smile.

“They…those three months Buck was at camp, before I started asking real questions… our parents never tried to reach him, talk to him, find out if he was fine…they followed the idea of “out of sight, out of mind”, they still do… and once he was rescued… they didn’t want to deal with the issues, the problems… first with his revelation, then with the notoriety… they sent him to stay with our grandparents, claiming that it was best for him not to be in a town where everybody knew him… but in reality… in reality I know they just didn’t want to have to explain, to talk about Evan in case anybody in the neighborhood found out. He needed a support system and they just…” she trailed off, not even sure what she wanted to say. “They couldn’t be there…”

Bobby appeared in front of her and hugged her tight, the same way he usual did for Buck. She completely understood how quick Buck had been in sort of imprinting on the captain as a father figure. He was an amazing dad.

“He had you.” he whispered. She could only sob in reply. Back when they sent him away, she had followed him to their grandparents’ house before he could ask her to. At least she had hoped he would have asked her. With the nonexistent support from their parents, she wasn't sure he knew or even realized how much Maddie cared for her little brother. The option of staying had never even crossed her mind.

_But now he’s all alone._ She couldn’t stop herself from thinking. It just made her sob stronger. Bobby’s arms never let her go, and the rest of the team soon joined them in a group hug, so similar and yet so different from the last one not so many days ago. They were missing one of the strong pillars of this unit. But they were going to get him back, if it were the last thing they did.

_Hold on Buck. we are coming._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... what do you guys think so far?  
> Still like it?


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, with the second half of the fic!  
> Lots of stuff starts to happen.
> 
> **WARNING**
> 
> Watch out for any triggers, the tags are up to date with everything that happens in the chapters.  
> In case anybody thinks I should add something to the list, just tell me I'd be happy to do it!

The impact of ice cold water was the first thing that Buck became aware of. He woke up gasping, shaking the water off himself instinctively. For a moment, he was back in the tsunami, not knowing which way was the surface. He tried automatically to swim away, and it was there that he crashed back into reality, with restraints clanging loudly, blocking his movements.

“What the…” he spluttered.

“Good morning Evan! I hope you slept well.”

_Scott._ He frowned. _Seriously, what does he think this is, a fucking rom-com?_

But Buck bit back his remark. He didn’t know yet what situation he actually was in, what Scott wanted, how crazy he actually was… _Wait._

“Did you just say morning?”

Scott didn’t reply, moving away and outside of his sight.

From what little he could see, he was in a small, empty room, no windows on the outside; or maybe there were, behind him and covered somehow. As far as he was aware, there was only the presence of artificial light from a light bulb hanging somewhere over his head. He was tied to a chair in a remarkable accurate portrayal of his stay at camp Raystown. He felt sixteen all over again.

He was startled when he realized he wasn’t wearing the same amounts of clothing as he had been when he had passed out, only his boxers and a t-shirt. The idea of Scott removing his clothes and leaving him in this state of undress made him feel violated in a way he hadn’t felt before.

He guessed that the cold and humiliation were an intimidation tactic on his part.

“Scott..?” he tried tentatively.

“Yes, Evan?” the reply came from far behind him, together with the sound of something shuffling.

Nothing good could come from that.

Before he could actually think of a question to pose, the older man appeared at his side, the sense of déjà-vu getting stronger at the sight of an IV bag.

“I don’t.. I don’t need that… you don’t need to do this.” he was rambling, words barging out of his mouth out of panic, pleading to Scott but also to whatever deity might be listening.

“Oh, but that’s exactly where you are wrong, my Little Bucket. You do need this. Trust me, you’re going to feel so much better after!” Scott slid the needle under his skin roughly, the ever present smile on his face almost mocking him in the low light.

“After? After what? After I puke my guts out because of whatever you’re pumping in my veins?” This time Buck couldn’t contain himself from the sarcasm coloring his words. He struggled again against his restraints, wanting nothing more than to break them, break himself free and punching that smug smile off of the other man’s face.

“Little Bucket, don’t say that! If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you don’t want me to save you!”

Buck was stunned again at his words.

“Save me? Is this really what you believe you are doing? I don’t need saving from anything except from YOU! Let. Me. Go.”

Scott paused for a second, and Buck felt his hopes slowly raising as he watched the other man take into consideration what he had just said.

It all came crashing down when Scott kindly cradled the younger man’s face with his free hand.

“I know you believe that, Evan, but I also know the truth! I saw it in your eyes, you are lost and I’m here to put you back on the right path.”

“You saw _it_? What are you even talking about??”

Scott crouched in front of him, in a move that reminded Buck of Eddie and Chris so much that he had to snap his eyes close to remove the comparison from his mind. He was not sure if the nausea he felt was now due to the drugs which were starting to run in his system or the images that his mind was starting to offer him. He never ever again wanted that connection in his mind. He shook Scott’s hand off of his face.

Scott only smiled wider.

“I was in my office a few weeks ago, when my boss called me for a personal meeting, a tête-à-tête…” the story seemed so out of the blue at the moment that it took Buck a moment to register it “He said that he had received a few complains about me, about the way I was treating some of my colleagues, what I was saying to them. Since it had not been my first warning, he had decided that he needed to let me go…” he sighed, and then started chuckling “All those years working for him and he fired me on the spot! I was so angry when I got home, you should have seen me Evan, you would have not recognized me! And then I was spending so much time at home, trying to decide what to do next with my life when I saw the news. Or to be more precise, I saw _you_ on the news.” He stared into his eyes, like he was trying to compel him to understand.

“Me?” Buck blinked, confused. “You mean… the fire at the Hotel Bel-Air?”

“Yes!! See, you know! I saw you and I obviously recognized my Little Bucket! You looked so lost, so sad… that’s when I realized it was a sign from the universe, putting you back on my path, showing me exactly what I needed to do, what I had to accomplish! Think about it, we never finished the program, even if you were one of our most promising patients!”

“ _Promising…patient?_ ” Buck stuttered, skepticism in both tone and facial expression. Then rage took its place. “You think I was your _patient_? I was your prisoner, you motherfucker!”

Scott smile was replaced by a frown.

“Now, now, Evan. You don’t need to be rude. You don’t want me to be angry. You would not like the punishment.”

“See!” Buck tried to reason with him. “You call it a punishment, not a cure! How can you call me your patient??”

“Evan, you have to understand… sometimes for the cure to be effective it needs to be poisonous as well. Like chemo, that could slowly kill your body, but it also kills your cancer.” Scott tried, in his weird, completely out-of-mind way, to comfort him with a hand on his knee. Buck was having none of it.

“Are you fucking comparing bisexuality to cancer?? You are even crazier than I expected!!”

Suddenly, Scott’s free hand moved to his throat, pushing hard against his trachea. Buck’s breath stopped, blocked in his pipes, preventing the necessary oxygen to reach his lungs. He tried to struggle against the hold, but between the restraints and Scott’s strength, he was fighting a losing battle.

The edges of his vision were already turning dark when his captor decided to say something.

“I already told you, Evan. Do not push me. I’m hoping I can save you with the first phase of the treatments. But if you continue behaving like this, I’ll have to turn to phase II!” and with that, he moved away, freeing Buck. He coughed and gasped trying to regain a sense of control that was quickly slipping trough his fingers. He would not give Scott the satisfaction of seeing him rattled.

Scott moved again out of his line of sight and, after a few shuffling and clicking sounds, a new light emerged in the room.

_I should have known_ Buck thought. Images were now being projected on the wall right in front of him. Images of couples kissing, holding hands, dancing with each other. It was just the beginning. They would have been lovely if a bout of nausea hadn’t decided to hit him right at that moment. A plastic pail appeared in front of him and was left on precarious balance on his knees.

“Enjoy the show, Little Bucket! See you in a few hours.”

And with that, Evan was left alone.

For a second his eyes filled with tears, trying to choke back both the nausea and the terror he was feeling. How could this have happened to him again? Why was the universe so against him? Couldn’t it just leave him alone? He thought of his friends, of his family, his _real_ family. Did they even know he was missing? He hadn’t had the possibility to check on his phone before he had passed out. He thought he had managed to start the call, but had he pressed the right speed dial number to call Athena? Or had he called someone else? Still, chances were a bit in his favor, as his other speed dials were mostly his team mates. Any of them would have been fine. There was also a pizza delivery service, though, and that would have been a very weird call. He chuckled a bit hysterically thinking about that possibility.

But those questions weren’t important after what Scott had told him.

_How long has it been? It can’t have been that many hours for it to be a new day, can it?_ Buck was not sure, couldn’t be sure. After all, Scott could have been telling the truth. On the other hand, back at camp, his captors did use to follow their own altered schedule to throw off any sense of time that the people in restraints had. When Athena had asked how long he had been a prisoner, Buck had been honest in shrugging the question off. He really had had no idea.

_Come on Buckaroo_. Athena’s voice in his head was steady and strong _. You can’t stay here. Look around you. There must be something you can do._

“I’ll try, ‘Thena. I’ll try.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everybody still with me?


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for all the comments and reviews, you guys are brilliant!  
> (and hopefully nobody wants to kill me *me looking around nervously)
> 
> Enjoy the new chapter!

Marlowe sighed heavily, bringing the coffee mug to her lips once again. The coffee had long gone cold, but she couldn’t care enough to get up and prepare a new one. She had promised herself that she wouldn’t, not until she got at least an answer to any of the myriad of questions that jumped from the folder of the case open in front of her. It had been almost 12 hours since the abduction of Evan Buckley and from the history between him and his captor, it did not bode well for the young firefighter. They needed an answer stat. And the fact that Athena freaking Grant was sitting not too far from her was certainly another big incentive.

Marlowe and her partner had finally managed to get in contact with the Raystown Police Department, in particular with the almost-ready-for-retirement detective Jones that had been in charge of the camp case.

The moment they had dropped Buckley’s name into the mix, the bored detective had jumped into action, helping them in finding a list of all the people and places that had belonged to the same committee behind the conversion therapy camp.

They were now waiting for said list.

“You know that you don’t need to be here? You cannot actually work this case.” The blond detective said towards the sergeant.

Grant raised an eyebrow in reply.

“I may not be the detective assigned to the case, that is true. But if you don’t want the whole LAFD turning up to your desk every five minutes, you probably want to keep me here, so I can keep _them_ in the loop and out of the way.”

An honest answer, Marlowe certainly wouldn’t doubt that. She wasn’t blind though, and she had seen how the sergeant’s hand had gently stroked the young firefighter’s picture on the board. Grant had been mumbling something, not a tear in her eyes, just fury ready to be unleashed on Hendricks the moment they could get their hands on him. Nothing too bad, Marlowe was sure. Hendricks would see trial this time, she was certain of it.

“And your insistence in staying here has nothing to do with the research in the Hendricks Constructions that you asked of officer Kent?” her tone was a bit smug, but she wanted the other officer to know that nothing went on about one of her cases without her knowing. And Kent couldn’t keep a secret to save his life.

Grant tried to say something, probably to justify her involvement, but Marlowe was quick in raising a hand to stop her.

“It’s okay, sergeant. I don’t mind the additional help, but next time, talk to me.” she smiled “Now tell me what brought you to investigate them? What is your angle?”

“It all started when Maddie, Buck’s sister, said that Hendricks never went to prison, and that his parents tried to hide him from the being on the news. I figured out that while he may be able to use old contacts from the Raystown days, it would probably be easier for him to use his family resources. After all, it was what kept him out of jail.” Grant scowled at that. Nobody liked when the system failed to punish criminals, particularly when it involved kids.

“And you assume that, since Hendricks Constructions is a company that works in almost every state of the US, they may have resources here. In LA.” Marlowe concluded.

Grant nodded her hear in confirmation.

“We were also going that route, but we found out pretty soon that Mr. Hendricks has been cut off from his parents’ wealth. He had been working for their branch in Nevada for the past few years, even managing some businesses with other offices here, in California. He also appeared to have taken some law classes at the local community college, wanting to do more for the company. It wasn’t enough, though. His employer told us that he has been let go a bit over two months ago. He still has residence in Paradise, near Las Vegas, but none of his former colleagues has seen him since he was fired.”

Athena leaned in closer.

“Why was he fired?”

“They wouldn’t tell me the specifics, as you know privacy clauses, but it apparently involves intolerant behavior towards colleagues, and how he turned down multiple suggestions from the higher-ups on what to do about it if he wanted to keep his job. Rumors says he also didn’t go to the mandatory meetings with the company counselor.” Marlowe’s expression told a very specific story, one that Athena didn’t have to guess.

_You can’t change the spots on a leopard, can you?_

“Do you have any other leads?” the hope in the sergeant’s voice was hard to miss. “Anything more that we… _you_ can investigate?”

Marlowe paused, conflict written on her face. A decision won.

“Raystown Camp was a program founded by the Youth Restoration Foundation. The YRF is an institution declared to help and support the younger generations from… let’s say any kind of trouble. Their brochures are all about poverty, criminal life, drugs, physical abuse, you name it. On paper, they seem very respectable and a paragon for society.” Her tone sent shivers up Athena’s spine.

“But…?”

“But in reality within the project there were multiple enterprises used to get to LGBTQ members and ‘put them back on the right path’.” she waved her hands on the last part “We found at least other five different programs that all ended up like the camp your kid was involved in. Nobody has ever managed to prove that the committee behind YRF actually knows the specifics of each program. And maybe some of the members and organizations are actually the real deal. But there has never been an in-depth investigation on them, just on their subsidiaries. Accusations never stick to them and nobody that goes to prison ever links them to it.”

“They want people to still fight their sickening fight...” she sighed. “How does this help us?”

Rage again filled Athena deep in her bones. She needed to break something, preferably Scott Hendricks’s face.

“We know the network they work in. We know most of the associates, the people involved in all of this. We will find something.”

Officer Kent arrived just in that moment, not bothering to announce himself.

“Ma’am, I have the results of your request.”

Athena made to grab the stack of paper the young policeman was carrying, but he evaded her, dropping the paperwork on the detective’s desk.

“Sorry, sergeant, I should have been more precise. This is the list that detective Marlowe was waiting for from Raystown PD.” He apologized.

The detective picked up a marker and started sorting through the pile.

“What are you looking for?” Grant asked, kind of interrupting the detective’s flow.

“I’m trying to find people in common between the list sent by Raystown PD and anybody related to the YRF that currently lives in LA.” she pointed to a pile already present on the desk “If we are lucky, Hendricks has been in contact with some of them and they could give us something. Worst case scenario, I would still like to interview any of them.”

Athena nodded. It was going to be a long night.

Hen smiled at the sight of the kids playing together. She needed some happy moments to counter all the bad ones that were happening to their family. Denny yelled enthusiastically, apparently having just done an amazing move in the videogame he and Christopher were playing. The other boy, on his part, responded in the same way. It seemed that they were both faring well after the news they had received.

After the emergency meeting at Bobby and Athena’s – after Buck’s kidnapping had come to light – one of the easiest decisions the team had made was not to let the Diaz boys alone. Nobody could deny how close Buck was to the Diaz’s family, and how the news had hit Eddie hard. It seemed like he hadn’t stopped pacing since he had found out, and judging from the dark shadows under his eyes, he certainly hadn’t spent much of his free time resting. Eddie had tried to protest at the idea of him doing something that could put Chris – or Buck – in danger, like going after the kidnapper, but the 118 had been quick in specifying that they just wanted to be there for support. And if reigning in his recklessness and temper was a byproduct of such an action, they didn’t point it out.

Eddie had actually needed Hen’s presence when Chris had asked why they were spending their day at her place, instead of with Buck as planned. Had Buck and Eddie fought again?

“No, Chris… we… we didn’t fight…” He stammered, trying not to show the anger and fear he was feeling, as he knew that Chris usually picked up on those emotions easily “He… He’s missing.”

“Why? How? What happened? Did he get lost?”

As Eddie drew a blank in how to answer, Hen appeared on his right, attempting to explain the situation as calmly as she could, prepared from the explanation she had already given Denny.

“No, Chris, he didn’t get lost. You see, a person that Buck knew when he was a kid came to visit him and… he wanted to talk to Buck… so he took him somewhere else. We just don’t know where yet.”

“Did Buck want to go? Did he… did he leave us?”

“No, mijo, no!” Eddie interrupted “Buck would never leave his superman, you know that, right?”

Chris smiled a little, but then a frown appeared on his face.

“But… If Buck didn’t want to go…that this person is mean!” he huffed.

Eddie quickly enveloped his son in a hug, forcing himself not to cry.

“Yeah, that was very mean. But we shouldn’t worry. Athena is looking for him and she’ll find him.”

A moment of silence encircled them, while he hoped that the words he had just said wouldn’t became a lie.

“I know we don’t have to worry, Daddy.”

The firefighter glanced confusedly at his son and the small smile that was resurfacing on his face.

“Buck is strong.” the 9-year old continued “Like he was during the tsunami! He’ll keep swimming, like Dory! So we’ll find him.”

Hen could only smile at memory. Even Eddie, who had been a bundle of nerves, like a trap set to spring at the smallest movement, now seemed a bit more at ease. Not calm or happy, of course, but Christopher’s words seemed to have restored some faith towards the future.

She sat quietly on the stool next to said fireman, and handed over a cup of coffee.

“Are you going to be alright for our shift, later today?” she asked softly.

He snorted.

“If you are asking if I will be ready to work, the answer is yes… but alright…” he shook his head “I don’t think I’m going to be alright until Buck is safe, back with us.”

She couldn’t agree more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still with me?  
> I know, I know a full chapter without Buck... you are not too mad, I hope?
> 
> Also, Marlowe wasn't supposed to have all these scenes, but you know, sometimes characters do whatever they want and you can only watch...  
> I know not much is happening in this chapter, but I needed to start explaining a few things. Also, i love Athena investigating!
> 
> (ps: as i'm not english nor american, can somebody confirm the idiom that I used? if it's wrong, sorry '-.-)


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my followers! Is anybody still here? XD  
> Hope you'll enjoy this new chapter. It's probably my beta reader'ss favorite chapter (shout out to dream_editor, without her, this story would not be as amazing as it is!)
> 
> **WARNING**
> 
> In this chapter things start to take a turn, be warned that there is torture involved.  
> If anyone wants tags to be updated/added, just say so, okay?

It had been a long few hours. Or at least it had felt like hours to Buck.

The images and video kept scrolling in front of his eyes, but focus had left him long ago. The only thing he could concentrate on was aiming for the bucket currently resting on his knees. At every gagging impulse he had to control himself to try not to overbalance the stupid thing.

Sweat was also making an uncomfortable appearance, again trying to defy his equilibrium.

He felt hot, and that was not a good sign. Undressed and injured like he was, he guessed he was starting a fever, probably not helped by the drugs that Scott kept administering him.

Another bout of nausea hit him. He tried to reel it in, without much luck. The bitter aftertaste of bile finally announced the emptiness of his stomach. He hoped it was going to give him a bit of a break. He needed to come up with a plan. He had already tried slipping out of the restraints, but all he had managed was some nasty rope burns on his wrists and the slight tilting of the bucket off of its axis. It had been a close call.

All of a sudden, the heavy door behind him slammed open. He could hear Scott’s steps getting closer, together with the squeaking sound of tiny wheels.

The brunet appeared from his right, pushing a small wheeled table in front of him. A tray with something – Buck refused to call that slop _food_ \- quickly replaced the bucket.

“It’s time for you to eat, Evan.”

“I’m not hungry.” was the honest reply. Just the thought of food was making him queasy, and actually having some in front of him was not helping with the rising of nausea.

“Listen to me, Bucket…” he crouched in front of him to bring their eyes at the same level “You need food so you can get better. You don’t want to feel weak, right?”

Buck raised his head sharply, staring into the other man’s eyes.

_WEAK? I’m not weak, you creep!_

Again, he managed to hold his thoughts.

“Why don’t you give me the spoon so I can eat, then?”

Scott smiled and slowly shook his head.

“You know the rules, Evan. You stay there and I’ll feed you.”

Buck wanted nothing more than to punch the guy, but wrestled his feelings down to appear cooperative. It was not a good move to make him angry now.

He let himself be fed that schlop, and couldn’t be sure if the nausea was due to that or the drugs.

“See Evan…” continued Scott, caressing his face once again “I told you that I would take good care of you. You should have listened to me the first time, and everything would already be fine. For you and Izzie and...”

_Izzie._

_Her smile in introducing herself, her hand generously offered like the honest and kind person that she was, for everybody to see…_

Buck’s body froze from the tiny motions that he had been making.

_Izzie._

_Her laughter in front of the campfire, teaching her how to not set a marshmallow on fire, her dancing on the lake pier while waiting her turn for the canoe…_

That bastard had the audacity of saying her name.

_Izzie._

_Her dark eyes, red from all tears unshed, her screams of fear from the next room, her closed casket, that morning in autumn…_

His vision went white and all rational thought flew out of the window.

“Do not say her name.” he roared.

“Evan, what are…”

But Scott never got to the end of that phrase. Something feral and wild took over Buck’s control and he launched himself, in the small range of motion he had, to bite down on the hand that was still cradling his face. The yell of pain that erupted from the other man’s lips gave him a warm sense of satisfaction that brought an evil smile to Buck’s face. He had never been a malicious person, but Scott deserved all the pain that he could manage to inflict.

Still, Buck knew to expect repercussions. A well-placed punch snapped his head to the right, increasing the newly returned ringing in his head. Metallic taste in his mouth was the first evidence of a split lip, before the throbbing of the injured part started.

“You should have not done that, Evan. You know what this means…” The low, hoarse sound of Scott’s voice reached his ears. He was still standing in front of him, carefully nursing the offended hand, a deep scowl transforming the man’s features.

It was supposed to scare him, he imagined, but in that moment, all he could feel was the raging fury that was still roaring inside of him.

And Evan Buckley never backed down in front of bullies.

“Bite me.”

_Acquisition of Evergreen Retirement Home, Santa Monica District, last June._

_Acquisition of some hectares of terrain on the border with the Death Valley National Park._

Athena kept reading, taking notes of anything that caught her eye. The list of the latest market movements of Hendricks Construction was a lot of things, but certainly not an attention-capturing best seller.

Marlowe had left at least half an hour before, with a multitude of officers, all instructed on what to do. They were trying to cover multiple interviews in the least amount of time possible, time they weren’t sure Buckley was going to have. Athena had listened to the orders while they were given and had tried to insert herself in any of the groups, ready to actually do something but sitting in a chair. Marlowe had scoffed at her, blocking Grant on the spot.

“You have the results of your own research to wait for, Sergeant.”

Her party, her rules. Her office.

So that’s where she was, trying not to start hitting the nearest wall with her head.

_A branch office in LA separating itself from the main company, just under 3 months ago._

_Everett_ _Burke._ It was the name of the lawyer who had dealt with all these transactions on behalf of Scott. Rummaging through the file, Athena noticed how the only person that seemed to have been in contact with the corporate lawyer was Scott Hendricks himself.

_That could be something._ She thought, intrigued, deciding to dig around more information about him or his firm. She came up empty handed.

_Maybe he’s from a different state?_ She was starting to look into this anomaly, when somebody interrupted her train of thoughts.

“How long have you been here?” Bobby’s voice echoed loudly in the almost empty precinct office.

Athena raised her eyes from the long, colorful list in her hand. He was looking at her with a loving sad smile, an expression that she had became deeply familiar with in the last 24 hours.

“Too long, probably” she said, resignation filling her soul. She felt like the answer she was searching for was dangling in front of her face, just out of line of sight. She couldn’t – wouldn’t – disappoint Buck. She was going to find him and deal with that bastard that took him and to hell with the consequences.

“You are thinking too hard” he hugged her, raising her to her feet. She held on him tightly, knowing the concern they shared over the missing member of their closely knit family.

“Or maybe not hard enough”

He slowly raised her face so they could look at each other, both trying so hard to hold back tears. If they started, who knew when their crying was going to stop.

“You, Marlowe, the whole LAPD is on the hunt for them… We are going to find him. But you won’t if you run yourself to the ground, if you don’t take care of yourself, you hear me?”

She nodded.

“Come on, there is a very nice little café at the end of the street. We can have dinner and then come back to boards and lists with fresh eyes.”

Marlowe was tapping her foot loudly on the shiny marbled floor of the Paterson Recreational Center. The director of the community was still talking softly, explaining all the _marvelous_ details that went into organizing such an activity in a city as highly populated as Los Angeles. He hadn’t stopped talking since the moment his assistant had led her and her partner into his office.

“… we always need to take into consideration who we allow on our premises, after all we wouldn’t want any disruptive influences in front of our most excellent sponsors…”

“Excuse me, Mr Chapman, but I think we wandered off from the point of this interview.” she interrupted, before the impulse to punch that weasel of a man could take over.

_How could an organization devoted to save teenagers, trying to put them on a path away from the streets, the gangs and the criminal life, decide which ones were good and which to turn away?_

She took a breath, remembering that she was there for a reason, while filing away that information to be passed on to whomever jurisdiction it was.

“Oh, I’m sorry. What was your question, again, officer…?

“It’s _Detective_ Marlowe” she retorted, trying to contain the fury “And I was asking whether this particular association is still in contact with previous YRF enterprises. Have you ever heard of Camp Raystown, or any of its previous members, for example…” she made a show of looking through her notebook, where various names of Camp Raystown employees were written “ Ryan Geller, or… Myla Korewski… Scott Hendricks?”

She smiled calmly at him, waving a hand in the universal gesture of _and the like_.

Chapman had almost looked ready to say something, before she interrupted, but he had the same uninterested expression, the same one he had on the first time she had asked. After a few years on the job, you start to recognize people who are hiding something – not always related to the case in question, unfortunately – and those who actually don’t know anything.

Chapman fell into the second category so clearly, that he could probably be named director of that as well.

He mumbled through some generic answers, trying to raise his position as a valuable and impossible-to-substitute member, while he was actually a glorified pencil pusher.

They managed to leave him after a promise of calling back if the need arose, and Marlowe started retreating to the car with a heavy weight settling in her stomach. She had had high hopes for this lead, but nothing had come from it.

She silently got to her sedan, when somebody suddenly claimed her attention, calling her name in a not-so-calm tone.

“Detective Marlowe, right?” the 30-something brunette asked, panting slightly, like she had run to catch up “I’m sorry to disturb you but… ehm…”

The young woman trailed off, doubt loudly creeping in her green irises. She was Chapman’s assistant, and she was looking much more disheveled than just a few minutes before.

“Do you have something you want to tell us…Claire?” Marlowe quickly stepped in, throwing a quick look at the nametag on her chest.

“You… you mentioned Camp Raystown, right?” she was fidgeting.

“Yes, we did.” Marlowe tried her best at remaining calm, at not pushing Claire to talk. People needed their time and Marlowe was going to give it to her.

“I don’t know if… if it’s relevant, but…”

“What?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And on that note we conclude chapter 13!  
> What do you think?  
> (it's my first time writing an investigation, so hopefully it's not too weak of a plot)
> 
> Reviews and comments are always welcome!


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, my faithful followers! Hopefully I haven't lost any of you!  
> Things are taking a turn in the plot!
> 
> **WARNING**
> 
> Torture is involved

Claire kept fidgeting with the necklace she was wearing, while looking nervously towards the detectives.

“You are not the first person to mention Camp Raystown, in the past month, here, in between these walls.” She waved her hands towards the Center.

“We are not?” Marlowe tried to contain her surprise.

“No… a few weeks ago, I don’t know, maybe a month ago, this guy showed up, starting to praise the YRF, all its work both present and past… and he mentioned that place.”

“Are you sure it was Camp Raystown?”

Claire nodded fervently.

“Oh yeah. He kept saying it over and over to anybody of the Foundation, talking about it like it had been the greatest accomplishment that YRF had ever had. I decided to look it up later that night and…” she scoffed, while her eyes teared up “I had never heard before of that place and now… how could someone do something like that to kids??”

Marlowe stepped closer to the younger woman, a reassuring hand founding her way to her shoulder.

“I don’t know. But what I do know is that anything you can tell us will be really helpful in our investigation. Do you by any chance remember the name of this guys, do you have a description…?”

“Oh yeah, sure, I… I think his name was something like… Emmett? Or maybe Everett? And he was… he was tall, and… oh yeah, he said he was a lawyer…I mean, more than once, I thought that he was actually lying and trying to sound smart, throwing some lawyer lingo to impress whoever was listening, but who knows…” her face was frowning in the effort of remembering, until her expression become one of surprise “Wait, we should still have his name somewhere in our registers, everybody needs to sign off at the entrance.”

Marlowe’s smile got bigger.

“Lead the way.”

Scott’s eyes were dark in the low-lit room, no emotion coloring his features, just an empty hollow, a never ending pit of inscrutability. Buck did not know what his next move was going to be.

He was surprised when the other man bent to recover the food tray that had fallen to the ground during their scuffle.

“You disappoint me, Evan. I thought I was getting through to you.”

“You… will never… get through… to me.” the blond wheezed back, trying to reel in the furious beating of his heart, the irregular breath, anything to get back that modicum of control that was fast slipping away.

“We’ll see…”

And with that, he left.

Buck sighed heavily, fighting against the strap on his forehead. It had not been a smart idea losing his temper in that way and he knew – _he_ _knew_ \- that there would be consequences soon. He was worried but he also could not bring himself to care at the same time.

He was tired. He was angry. He was scared.

He was all of that, but nothing would stop him from fighting. His hopes of being found remained with his team, his family.

What was he supposed to do?

_Easy: stay alive_.

Should he play the game, trying to appease his captor?

He scoffed. He had made his choice crystal clear the moment Scott had mentioned his dead friend.

_No chance in hell._

The door opened loudly, slamming against the wall from the strength of Scott’s shove.

Buck would have jumped if he had not been tied down. He had hoped for a bit of a respite, time to come up with a plan, with something, _anything_ , and here Scott was again, wheeled table again at his side.

Unfortunately, this time it was not transporting food.

An electrical device, that remind Buck too much of a defibrillator, shone innocently under the artificial light. Two cables sprouted from it, ending in what looked like electrodes.

He glanced at Scott, a knowing smile already developing on the other man’s face.

Buck remembered from other kids’ testimonies that electroshock machines had been mentioned back at Camp Raystown days, but he had never heard of anybody actually undergoing the procedure.

“What the hell is that?” was all he could ask, hoping the tremble he heard was only in his head.

“I thought it should be obvious, Evan. What do they even teach to a first responder, these days?” Buck glared at the slight insult towards him and his profession “It’s an electroconvulsive therapy machine.”

He had never heard Scott so serious. He almost sounded sane. Almost.

Buck knew that treatments that involved electric shocks were still in use in the medical arena, particularly when involved in cases of mental health issues. It was still a very controversial topic in any country it was in use.

But Buck did not want to debate the pros and cons of that type of therapy. What he wanted was to stay the hell away from it and have nothing to do with that device. And he explicitly reported that to the man standing in front of him.

Scott replied with a shrug of his shoulders.

“It was not in my intentions to use it either, Evan” he said politely, while disentangling the cables knots. “But you did not leave me any other choice.”

Buck fought his hardest when Scott came close to positioning the electrodes on his temples. He didn’t even feel the scratches forming on his already bruised wrists, or hear the screeching sounds of the chair legs on the floor due to his shaky and hasty maneuvers. Fear was settling in fast in his body.

“Scott, don’t do it!” he almost added a _please_ , but he stopped himself. He would not beg for his life.

He almost choked when Scott harshly pushed something rubbery in his mouth.

“It’s just a mouth guard, relax!” Scott exclaimed, annoyed by all the hassle that Evan was throwing at him. “I’m not doing this so you can die biting your own tongue off!”

_Relax?? Fuck you, you bastard!_ He tried to respond, only mumbles and moans coming out. His attempts to spit out the stupid thing were arrested when Scott added a layer of duck tape on his lips. He then moved to the side of the chair in order to have a clear view of both machine and patient.

“Ready, Evan?”

_Fuck you_ was all he could think, fighting the tears that were filling his eyes and the terror that was shaking his limbs.

And then the pain came.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's a very short chapter, but it was the right point to break the stoy.  
> I mean...  
> Another cliffhanger, so... my bad?  
> *Author hides


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again!  
> Thanks to everybody who keeps reading this fanfic, and thanks to everybody who is leaving comments! I hope you enjoy this chapter as well!
> 
> **WARNING**
> 
> There is torture involved in this chapter, you've been warned  
> 

Athena kept throwing glances at her phone, deliberately left as visible as possible on the small table they were currently seated at. She pushed one of the side buttons, considering that maybe she had missed something from the last time she had unlocked the screen.

Still nothing, except for the background picture of her kids smiling back at her.

“Maybe you should call her?” Athena raised her eyebrow at Bobby’s remark.

“Marlowe is interviewing people that may be linked with Hendricks. I can’t distract her just to ask how the whole thing is going.”

Her reply sounded reasonable, but still it didn’t stop her to launch herself to her phone when it rang some time later.

“Grant here.”

“I know, sergeant. I just wanted to check you were not still in the office or worse, following us.” Bobby almost smiled at that remark, clearly listening from his side of the table.

“I’m not. I’m having dinner with my husband.” she replied truthfully, switching to speaker.

“Good evening, Captain Nash. And I guess an update in the investigation would not be amiss?” They could almost see the smirk on the detective’s face, but it was her tone that made them pause.

“What do you have?” Bobby asked. He had tried to stay positive through the whole ordeal, but Buck’s disappearance was taking its toll on all the 118 and beyond.

“Something. But I need to warn you, it could be nothing.”

They heard a knock on the glass wall next to them. Detective Marlowe was there, waving her notepad at them.

“We should continue this somewhere else.”

A shiver run through their veins and Athena quickly left the Café, Bobby a few steps behind, paying the check.

“Tell us.” it wasn’t an order, just a request from two worried parents.

“First of all, I want it to be clear. I’m keeping you informed because I know that if I didn’t, you’ll probably try to do this yourself, protocol be damned.” The detective stared pointedly at Athena. “Don’t think for a second that I don’t know your reputation, Grant.”

The sergeant didn’t reply, knowing that she got a point, but she didn’t back away either, knowing well that Marlowe hadn’t gotten to the real reason of their meeting yet.

“What did you find?” Bobby asked, trying to keep them on topic.

“We are following a lead.” Doubts were clear on her face “But as I said before, it may not be linked with your case. I don’t believe in coincidences – nobody in the force does – but we can never presume that everything we find is linked together. We can’t allow ourselves to warp the facts to match the theories that we have. Theories need to adapt to the facts.”

She paused, debating whether to tell them the rest.

“What is it?” Athena’s patience had its limits.

Her voice was calm, strong but steady. Marlowe had certainly heard of how Grant had chased the feeble lead of finding the gun involved in her fiancé’s murder, and how she had managed to turn that single clue in the key that had opened the decades-old case wide open in a matter of days. The sergeant had certainly been reprimanded, but Marlowe had most of all been impressed by the determination – others would call it stubbornness – that had guided the woman.

_If only all cops were this passionate about justice._

The detective decided it was time for somebody to repay the debt that justice still owed.

“Today, while we were interviewing old and new members of the YRF, a young woman came forward. She wanted to tell us that very recently, a man came to the center she’s working at and spoke to different members of the organization, testing the waters, talking about their old days and their old methods. From what she understood, he was trying to recruit people for a new project…”

“How would that help us?” Bobby asked, impatience guiding his actions “How could that be linked to Buck?”

Marlowe’s smirk clearly signaled that she had not liked the interruption.

“The link that we are checking is that this guy, a lawyer apparently, mentioned specifically Camp Raystown multiple times, and claimed it as a success for the foundation. She actually said that from the words he was using, from the way he talked about it… to her it seemed like he was talking from real, personal experience. And if he was involved in the camp and he was actually trying to find new members for a project like that…” the detective trailed off, before shaking her head. Rage colored her features for a second, quickly replaced by uncertainty, which was not a good look on her face “We received words that the same guy showed up to at least three other YRF establishments. After realizing they could be dealing with a criminal, the YRF committee has decided to send us the security tapes of the times this guy showed up. Once we see them we will know more. And if there is any link with Hendricks, we will find it.” from her voice they understood she was trying hard not to push the theory that the events were linked with Buck’s disappearance before they actually had evidence to back it up.

But Athena had stopped paying attention to what Marlowe was saying, as a big red flag fluttered right in front of her eyes.

_“…even managing some businesses with other offices here, in California…”_

_“…taking some law classes at the community college…”_

_Acquisition of Evergreen Retirement Home, Santa Monica District, last June._

_A branch office in LA separating itself from the main company, just under 3 months ago._

“By any chance” the sergeant asked, anticipation coloring her words “The lawyer you are talking about… could it be Everett Burke?”

Marlowe stopped in her tracks, bewilderment illuminating her eyes.

“How do you know that name?”

In a matter of minutes, they were back at the precinct, with Athena explaining the jigsaw puzzle that she had started to put back together. A more in depth research later, and then a yell of shock echoed in the office.

“I need to speak to ADA Stone right now!” the detective shouted in her phone.

Bobby wasn’t really able to follow, but the moment Marlowe stepped in her office, his wife was more than happy to explain her analysis.

“That name that came up from the employee Marlowe talked to… the guy that kept trying to talk about the camp? I actually found Burke’s name in the lists of associates of the Hendricks Constructions! He was helping moving assets and equipment around, after buying an old retirement home here, in the Santa Monica district. He also did all of this under a subsidiary of Hendricks Constructions that then branched off 3 months ago. But I couldn’t find any information on him and his firm. But guess what?” she moved the monitor that Marlowe and her had been staring at until a second ago.

He looked at it, trying to gather in all the details. On the screen a clip from the security tapes of the YRF center was repeating in a loop.

“Do you see?” her rage was only second to her enthusiasm, and Bobby could feel it too. They were close. His eyes narrowed on the screen.

“That guy…” he pointed at the lonely figure, central focus of the video. He then moved to the board where all the information on their case were, going to stand right in front of the picture of Scott Hendricks. He was astonished. The two men were one and the same.

“You are incredible!” he couldn’t stop himself from stating.

There was no time for any more praise, as Marlowe stepped back in front of them.

“We got it. Let’s go find your boy.”

Bobby could only hope they were still in time.

It lasted maybe a few milliseconds, but to Buck, the jolts of electricity felt like an eternity. When it stopped, it almost didn’t even register in his brain. He only knew the before and the after. In the after, he was breathing hard, standing straight only because of the leather straps. He couldn’t stop the tears falling from his eyes, no energy in his body except for breathing and the nervous shaking that was still affecting his body. He tried to spat out the mouth guard, but the duck tape hold tight. Scott’s hand twitched, still on the machine switch.

“How do you feel, Evan?”

_Seriously?_

“Fuck you!” he tried to mumble, and from the change in Scott’s facial expression he was sure the message went across.

Scott smirked for just a moment. Then he pushed the button for a second time.

Buck’s body convulsed, straining against the manacles. He couldn’t breathe. Sweat was dancing around his eyes, burning on the scratches on his face, keeping him awake and very aware of the pain.

_He swears he can hear the musical, kind laughter that Eddie usually hides._

He tried to keep his focus on that.

Another shock.

His heart was pounding fast, uncontrollably, out of rhythm, hurting so strongly that Buck was sure it was going to sprout out of his chest at any moment. His vision was blurry, moving in and out of focus without a real pattern.

_He feels the familiar pat of Chim’s hand on his shoulder and he almost turns to that direction._

Scott kept asking questions in between the sessions but Buck gave up trying to answer after the second shock. He gave up trying to understand after the third.

There was no real reason to try to communicate with him and there was certainly no way he could even do it if he wanted to.

_Hen’s gaze is right on him, with an expression so serious on her face that Buck doesn’t know how to interpret._

There were pauses in between the jolts, Buck was sure of it. Theoretically.

But in reality, he was not aware of anything, except for the agony burning through his limbs. His vision switched wildly from darkness to pure white, light so shiny he felt he was going to be blind if he kept staring.

_Maddie’s kiss on his cheek is the last thing he feels._

He slowly slipped into unconsciousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you think? I'm not really conviced the investigation side of the fic actually make sense, bu I'm hoping for a first attempt it isn't too bad.  
> As always, comments and reviews are welcome!


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gooooood morning people!  
> Hopefully you are not too tired to dive into a new chapter of this fiction! Things are moving along at a fast pace now!  
> The usual tags apply.

Bobby looked anxiously at Athena, who was driving like a madwoman in a borrowed police car. They had refused to stay behind when Marlowe had announced their departure towards the former retirement home that Scott had purchased. A SWAT team had also been called in support.

The former Evergreen Retirement Home was still in the city limits, easily reachable from Buck’s apartment before the road blocks had been put up, thus making it the perfect hideout. Their journey was slower than they wanted but they couldn’t put the sirens on. They wouldn’t risk losing the element of surprise, alerting Scott of their arrival. Not a chance, not when the life of a hostage hanged in the balance.

Bobby cleared his throat.

“Should we warn the others?” his voice was unsure, doubt already corrupting the determined spirit he had showed at the precinct. His thoughts were focused on Buck, but part of him couldn’t help but miss the presence of the rest of the fire fam at their side.

Athena quietly shook her head.

“We don’t know what situation we are going to find. It’s best to… keep it to ourselves until we actually have news to share. At the moment, this could… this could be all for nothing.”

She sighed heavily.

Part of her was scared by the idea that they were actually going to find Buck, that all that talk of recreating Camp Raystown had become a reality and he had been stuck there since his kidnapping.

Part of her was scared they weren’t, and that the bright young man, essential pillar of their family, was still lost, waiting for them.

Bobby was still looking at her.

“If Scott and Buck are there, we will need to break in… The SWAT Team will have to go in and depending on what the situation is, we may be able to offer support.”

“…and if they aren’t?”

The question remained unanswered.

By the time they reached the residential complex, dread had filled the atmosphere.

Marlowe was quickly ordering everybody close to the SWAT truck. The team leader, who had quickly introduced himself just as Hondo, was quickly relaying the information that they had managed to gather. While on route, they had found out that only one of the buildings of the complex was actually still connected to the electrical grid, so that was where the breach was going to take place. Unfortunately, the building was still a lot of terrain to cover, so Hondo was dividing all the present personnel in smaller groups, with one SWAT member in each. He shook his head in Bobby and Athena’s direction.

“We don’t need civilians in there.”

“I’m sergeant Athena Grant of LAPD and this is captain Bobby Nash of LAFD. You are going to need all the first responders you got.”

Her voice was firm and admitted no reply.

The SWAT officer looked like he was going to, but detective Marlowe was quick in muttering something to him.

Probably something along the lines of _if you don’t let them come with you when we can supervise, they are going to go in there on their own and create a bigger problem._

Or maybe she had known what string to pull. After Marlowe stepped away, Hondo looked at them for a second, an understanding look making a quick appearance when he moved closer. A pat on the LAFD Captain’s shoulder, a quick nod and then he went, ready to focus on the details of the raid.

He gestured again towards Athena and Bobby, adding them to the small team he was going to guide. Bobby felt anxiousness rising to newer levels while putting on a bulletproof vest for the first time since his encounter with Freddie Costas. He tried not to think about what that day had meant for Buck, choosing to focus on the orders he was given. They were pretty clear: stay behind Athena and follow any command or sign from the officers with him while they were clearing the site.

He had no interest in doing anything else. Finding Buck was his only aim. Maybe punch Scott into unconsciousness.

_Hold on Buckaroo. Just hold on._

Nausea swung back and forth, coming to him and disappearing, an endless vicious cycle only accentuated by the spasms of his body. Strong ache everywhere he could feel was the next thing he became aware of.

He was not really sure he could move. Did he even have limbs anymore?

_Where am I? What the hell is going on?_

Fog was clouding his mind, his head so heavy against… restraints?

Buzzing sounds above his head. A terrible smell not so far in front of him. Wetness and stickiness on him. Sweat? Tears? What was he missing? What was going on?

Headache raging strong, adding itself to the throbs pulsing through his body.

He tried opening his eyes. His eyelids seemed sealed shut, but with effort he managed to open a crack, barely, and he already regretted it.

There was so much light.

He closed them shut, darkness swallowing him again, vertigo hitting him as he felt himself swaying.

Were had the light gone?

Had it actually been there?

When he forced his eyes open again – when? he was not aware of the passing of time anymore - they did not seem to mind the brightness around him. There was only so much that a small light bulb could do in the end.

Evan was still pretty confused though.

His eyes landed on something on the floor, and his body seized instinctively.

It wa a plastic bucket, fallen sideways on the floor, its contents already spilled out.

He knew where he was.

_Oh gosh, Scott is going to come back in any second._

But where are the others? Even if he had always been alone in the room, noises from the adjacent ones had been Evan’s constant companions, reminding him of the presence of the other campers. It used to give him strength, a sort of purpose. He couldn’t let go, he had to survive, he had to save everybody. They needed to get out of there.

Was he the only one left?

_Get a grip, Evan._

The room he was in looked different than any he had seen at camp. Older walls, nice if old-fashioned wallpaper everywhere he could see, something seemingly directed more to an older generation, than teenagers.

Then the table caught his attention. The machine that was on it.

And the memories came rushing back to him.

He was not sixteen. He was not at camp Raystown.

He was not Evan. He was Buck.

He tried to breathe.

Scott was still out there, who knows where, probably fabricating new ways to torture him. Buck was still attached to a chair.

_I’m alone._

The thought crashed on him like a tidal wave, submerging him.

He gasped, losing focus while he felt himself drop. Dead weight. Miles between him and the surface. No air to breathe. Crashing, sinking in a bottomless pit. A hard surface, screams of pain and fear.

_I’m alone._

He felt himself fall, tumbling down in the black hole that his life was becoming, flailing around, trying to find something to hold on to, anything to find balance, comfort, any light in an overwhelming darkness that threatened to swallow him whole.

_Buck._

Maddie’s face filled his vision.

Her smile. Her laughter. Her tears.

Eddie.

Their shoulder bumps. Never needing words. Unspoken trust.

Christopher.

His overwhelming enthusiasm. His courage. _You are gonna be fine kid._

Hen.

Her unwavering support. Resolution against all odds. The rhythm of her own drum.

Chimney.

His grins. His unsolicited advices. His fortitude against the universe.

Athena.

The warmth of her protectiveness. The shaking of her head. The steadiness of her caring.

Bobby.

Pride in his eyes. Love in his hugs. Strength in his words.

_He wasn’t alone. Not anymore._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you guys think? I behaved today!!! ;)
> 
> As always, reviews and comments are welcome!


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!  
> I hope you are ready with tissues, because this is probably the angstiest I've written (is that even a vord?)  
> It's not too long of a chapter, but it's all about Buck!  
> Enjoy it!
> 
> **WARNING**
> 
> Swear words, a lot of swear words, and torture.

Buck found himself breathing again.

The presence of his family made everything seem a bit easier, the situation a bit brighter. He knew it was all in his head, but he couldn’t stop himself from latching onto them like the safety line that they were – that they always had been for him.

_What am I supposed to do?_

Buck wanted to ask, but the images of his family faded away, quick as they had appeared. The certainty in his mind swayed, an improvised raft left at the mercy of the rough sea.

_Or of a tsunami._

The laugh sprouting from his lips was hysterical even to his ears, and slowly faded into a sob.

Nobody would come and rescue him this time. Nobody knew where he was this time.

_Hell, I don’t even know where I am._

He opened his eyes and confusion was all he had when he saw that the world had shifted his axis. Or actually, he was on the floor, landed painfully on his side, luckily on the opposite side of the bucket.

With all his trashing before, he had actually managed to tilt the chair off balance.

Also, the IV line in his elbow vein somehow had gotten dislodged in the chaos, liquid spilling freely on the floor.

_Lucky me._

He was alone.

But not for long.

Incoming steps were loud behind him and he managed not to yell when a hand came crushing down on his already injured shoulder.

Scott grinned at him, but didn’t say anything. That was almost more unsettling than his insane beliefs.

The older man struggled a bit but managed to push the chair back to its original standing position.

“Were you trying to escape, Evan?” he laughed, ridicule and sarcasm directed straight at his head. “Where would you even go?”

_Home_ would be his answer, but Buck refused to reply.

“I guess the therapy isn’t working… maybe we should get to the next level, what do you think?”

Buck didn’t know what the other guy expected of him, incapacitated from answering as he was, but Scott surprised him, freeing him of the tape and guard.

He tested his jaw for a bit, moving it slowly to check for any possible damage. Slight bruises and a particularly painful patch had formed probably where and when he had managed to land on the floor.

“I asked you a question Evan.”

“I don’t know what you want from me…” he was calm, but confused.

Seriously, did Scott expect him to give him his consent to more torture?

His face probably showed his thinking and the older man gently shook his head in his direction. He moved just outside of Buck’s sight for a second, and when he came back, the firefighter could not restrain the shock appearing on his face.

“What the hell?”

It was a drill. An honest to God, evil looking, carpenter drill. The drill bit looked sharp, pointy and very, very painful.

“What the hell do you want to use that for?”

Scott smiled again at him, like a teacher would to a student asking a question. And Buck knew that those were probably the roles the other had envisioned for them.

“When I was researching for ways to help you, I found this article on ancient ways of healing. One of those was called trepanation. It was used to let out the evil spirits which were believed to inhabit people with mental issues.”

“Yes, I know, but it was the fucking Middle Age, Scott! I’m not a fucking brick wall, you can’t use that on me!”

“Don’t worry, Evan. I’ll be very careful.” 

“You are going to kill me, you jackass!”

_Buck, do not antagonize your captor._

He could almost hear Bobby no-nonsense tone, almost feel his caring touch on his shoulder, ready to reign in Buck’s recklessness, like he had done, or tried to do, so many times before.

“That should have been a strong incentive in not resisting your previous treatments, Evan. I did warn you!” The emotional void that was Scott’s voice made Buck only more restless.

“Then go back to it, to your stupid drugs, your explicit movies and even your fucking electroshock machine!” he was shouting again “Or leave me the hell alone, you fucking maniac!” Buck was shaking in his seat, but if it was due to fear or anger, he didn’t know.

The Smile dropped from Scott’s face. Apparently done with talking, he steadily moved behind him. The wheezing sounds Buck could hear made him sure that the drill was now on.

“Scott! Scott, don’t do it!”

For heaven’s sake, was he not even worthy of some anesthesia?

He struggled in his chair, trying to move his head, to make it slip out of the strap and gain some maneuverability.

_Come on! Come on!_

“Be still, Evan, or you’re going to hurt yourself!”

“You fucking asshole!”

_Please, please, anybody!_

Buck didn’t believe in God. He had lived through too many events to even consider the existence of some higher being watching over him and not taking pity over a lonely, desperate, 28-year old man.

His loveless childhood, illuminated by sporadic moments of joy thanks to his sister. An aimless youth, trying to find purpose in anything or anyone he could latch onto. His sister’s kidnapping, his friend’s stabbing, the fire truck explosion, the pulmonary embolism, a freaking tsunami, not to mention Camp Raystown, where all of this had started.

He was going to die. Here. Today. At the hands of a psychopath that should have been just fuel of older nightmares, not the maker of new ones.

And while he was scared, the biggest regret he had was leaving his family without notice, without saying goodbye. He had always known he was not going to die of old age. If it were up to him, it would happen during some daring rescue, hopefully saving someone, balancing the scales of a doomed life with the righteousness of a meaningful death.

He would have been okay with that.

He inhaled. He exhaled.

His family would be okay, leaning onto each other, supporting one another with devotion and tenderness, and maybe even with some head shaking and sarcastic words. A drop fell on his knee, detachment slowing down his mind, confused by what he was seeing.

He was crying.

_Goodbye._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...   
> comments and reviews are always welcome!
> 
> (Don't hate me, please  
> *me runs away)


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello readers!  
> Ready to get back into a world of Buck angst?   
> Don't worry, we are coming to a close and, like somebody mentioned in the comment, there must some Comfort in a Hurt/Comfort fic!
> 
> Hope you'll enjoy it!

And it was in that moment that Buck heard the heavy metallic door behind him slamming open one more time.

A cacophony of shouts and grunts and bangs assaulted his ears, while Scott’s hold tightened around him. The older man was quick in turning the both of them to face the incoming group, attracting attention to the drill still held close to his head.

“If you move another step, I’ll kill him!”

Buck was too stunned and shocked to try to add something out loud, a detached _You were doing that anyway_ staying in his head.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

His breath held in his throat. He knew that voice.

A known figure had entered the room, and was now standing a few feet in front of him, gun raised high, unceremoniously pointed right at Scott’s forehead.

Athena.

She cast a quick glance at him, anger still contorting the small smile she tried to aim in his direction.

“You okay, Buckaroo?”

He wanted to respond, he had so much to tell her, everything that his mind had conjured to him in his moments of need, but the words were stuck, pulsing loudly and painfully in his throat. He tried to clear his vision, unfocused from the tears that were refusing to fall.

And then he stood straight.

Because there, right there in front of him, hand on Athena’s back, was Bobby.

For a second, he thought he was hallucinating, or dreaming, because why would the LAPD storm a building and bring a firefighter with them.

But he looked so uncomfortable and so out of his depth wearing a bulletproof vest that Buck knew he was real. He had not enough imagination to make something like that up. Or at least he hoped so.

He chuckled under his breath, tears of joy now rolling down his cheeks.

“What are _you_ doing here?” he couldn’t stop himself from whispering.

Then a hand gripped him tighter and pulled him against the back of the chair.

“I ASK THE QUESTIONS HERE!” Scott yelled, loudly next to his right ear.

Everybody stood still in the small room.

“Then ask away.” was Athena’s swift reply.

But Scott was not even listening to anybody else in the room, preferring to concentrate on the precious cargo in his hands.

“Do you see them, Evan? Your captain and his wife are here! Why do you think that is?”

As he wasn’t really expecting an answer, he kept on going.

“Don’t you find it poetic? We met all those years ago, when your parents decided to get rid of you, and now your new surrogate parents are going to see the end of such a long treatment… they are going to be so happy, don’t you think?”

“What I think is that if you don’t get away from my kid, you’re going to find yourself with a new hole in that crazy head of yours!”

Buck winced when Scott’s hold on him stiffened at Athena’s harsh words, adding more pressure to the injured party.

“You don’t get to talk to me like that! I’m only trying to save him!”

He kept swinging his body, pushing and pulling Buck along, keeping him as a shield against the weapons pointed at him.

Buck could hear the rambling next to his ears, but he wasn’t listening. All his focus was on two of the most important people in his life.

He had felt so alone during his captivity, drowning in the sorrow and fear he had felt, not seeing any way out.

But now, their presence had promptly pushed all those emotions out, like they had never been there. Bobby’s eyes were on him, his lips mumbling something for him to understand.

His vision was still wildly fluctuating in and out of focus, and he groaned with the hardness of the surprisingly difficult task.

Bobby’s heart was pounding hard in his chest.

He had been a first responder for more than half of his life. He thought he knew what it took to enter a dangerous situation, where people’s lives depended on him, where you have to give your all to bring everybody home.

But this. This was different.

He had followed Athena in the dark corridors of the abandoned house, an eerie feeling of dread tingling on his back.

If it had been any other day, walking in such hallways would have seriously prompted some haunted house jokes among the crew of the 118.

But this. This was different.

And from one step to the next he found himself in a not-so-empty room, where people were shouting and shoving weapons towards each other.

People were talking, yelling, mumbling, trying to find maybe a peaceful way out of the standoff, but Bobby wasn’t really paying attention to them.

His eyes were trained on the young man, restrained to a chair, held close by Scott, a switched-on drill just a few inches away from his head.

Buck didn’t look too good.

His already pale skin looked ashen in the low light, dark shadows prominent under his eyes, darkening bruises making appearances on his chin, his throat, rope burns on his wrists, blood dripping from his nose, blood on the inside of his elbow, where IV lines would usually rest.

“What are _you_ doing here?” the low whisper exiting Buck’s lips had raised Bobby’s spirit in a way he didn’t believe possible.

His kid was still there, sense of humor strong on that almost-chuckled sentence.

Bobby wanted to reply something on the same tone, itching for some light-heartedness in a very dark situation, ignoring the back and forth that was happening with Scott, but words spilled out of his mouth before they even crossed his mind.

“I’m here, kid, everything is going to be fine.” He hoped he wasn’t making empty promises.

Buck’s frown deepened, as if trying to concentrate hard on hearing him, on understanding what he was saying. He looked exhausted, likely fighting hard to stay awake, crashing down from adrenaline rush.

Somebody needed to do something fast.

Athena seemed to have reached the same conclusion, as she started slowly shifting the weight on her feet, and slid towards the right.

The other officers in the room stayed still, their guns still trained on Scott.

“You need to let him go, Scott, it’s the only way you can get out of here alive!” Hondo’s voice was calm, slow, hiding the sense of urgency that everybody was feeling. But he had the training, he knew how to keep the other man’s attention on him. Hondo stepped forward, closer to the chair, to Scott.

His eyes followed the SWAT officer, attracted by his movements in plain sight in front of him.

“Don’t move!” he waved the drill, almost grazing the side of Buck’s head in his flailing around “You move another step and…”

The shot rang loud in the small room.

Blood spattered in a red mist, the heavy thud of Scott’s body following it to the ground. The yells of the criminal clearly announced he was still alive, just badly wounded from Athena’s perfectly aimed shot.

Bobby looked at all that in a daze, and then darted forward towards the now trembling kid, leaving Hendricks to the SWAT team.

“Buck!... Ehi, kid” he mumbled in his direction, one hand caressing his face, the other twisting the strap buckle that held his head. “Can you hear me? Are you okay?”

Buck’s frown was still present in his features.

“…Bobby?” he whispered quietly, doubt coloring his words “Are you…are you real? Am I hallucinating again?”

The captain stopped in his tracks for a second.

“Yes Buck, I’m here… I’m real.” he went back to undo the rest of the manacles, as swiftly and delicately as possible. He should have brought at least a first-aid kit with him, why hadn’t he thought of that?

He didn’t have much time to ponder, because as soon as he was free, Buck bolted. Surprisingly, _towards_ where his detainer was, who was still yelling in pain from the patch of floor where Athena had moved him.

The young firefighter crouched next to his captor, fast evading the officers that tried to stop him, quickly setting his hands on the top of the bullet hole now present on Scott’s chest, trying to arrest the flow of blood pouring out of it.

“You don’t get to die, you hear me?” pain and rage were filling Buck’s words. “You don’t get to die! This time, you’ll pay for everything you did!”

Strong arms wrapped around his trembling figure, lifting him off the ground and slowly dragging him backwards.

The movement didn’t stop his rant. He still had something to say.

“Take _this_ as a sign from the universe, Scott! YOU HEAR ME? From the universe… from ME… from IZZIE!”

A wave of dizziness hit him in that moment, crashing hard after that small bout of energy now sizzling away, like the last light from a dying candle. Only Bobby’s strong grip managed to keep him upright when his legs gave out.

“Buck? BUCK? Talk to me, kid!”

He wanted to say that he was okay, ready to go home, finally out of there. But he was swinging on his feet, vision getting blurrier by the second.

Strong arms were holding him, slowly lowering him to the floor and he smiled, because he knew who they belonged to, from all the previous times Bobby had to support his weight in the endless list of obstacles that he had faced in his life.

Bobby was talking to him, asking him something, checking his injuries, forming a plan on what to deal with first.

He was going to tell him that he was okay, he just needed some rest, some food, _real food_ , and he was going to be as good as new.

But the words wouldn’t come out, no matter how hard he pushed them from inside of him.

And, maybe, that was the problem.

He couldn’t break down, not there, not when Scott was still so close, not when everything hurt, not when he still wanted to scream himself raw to the world, about the unfairness of it all, all the pain, the terror, the fear, the shame that were surging in him once again.

He had been pushing, slashing, crashing, screaming, thinking he had been on his own, relying only on himself once again, waiting for a rescue that had been even more impossible to imagine than the first one, so many years ago.

But maybe it wasn’t true. After all, even if they had just been figments of his delirious mind, his family had been there, raising his spirit, helping him holding on just one moment more.

He was not alone. Not anymore.

He had been found.

This time, he did not stop the tears from falling. It was like a dam had been opened, everything rushing out and menacing to overwhelm him again. He needed something to anchor himself or the unforgiving tide was going to carry him who knew where, out of reach again.

A quiet, soft stream of words finally reached his ears.

“I’ve got you. I’ve got you. I’ve got you. I’ve got you…”

“…Bobby?”

“Yeah, kid?” the older man held him closer, his breath a comforting presence on the back of his head.

“I…I don’t think I’m fine…”

Unconsciousness claimed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone is satisfied with the rescue?  
> I know it's a bit highly unlikely having Bobby in on the raid, but... I needed my Bobby&Buck fix :D (I know their relationship isn't perfect, but f"ç# if I don't like father figures and surrogate sons).
> 
> As always, reviews and comments are welcome!  
> (I don't think I have to hide after this one, do I?)


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!  
> We are almost at the end of the fic, but there is still so much happening!  
> it is actually one of the longest chapter I've ever written!
> 
> **WARNING**
> 
> Suicidal thoughts, suicidal attempt description in the chapter, you've been warned!

Static surrounds him. Empty, black space in front of him. Or is it, really?

He can’t move. Could he move before? Before what?

“Buck? Can you hear me?”

_Dad?_

No, it’s impossible. His father doesn’t sound like that. The concern in that voice is a clear sign that it doesn’t belong to any of his parents. But that was what love felt like…

Time skips, and when he is alert again, somebody else is in the room with them.

“You should get some rest, dear. He’s not going anywhere.”

There’s a shuffling sound, but the presence on his left doesn’t move away.

“I can’t leave him.”

“Just come with me, get a coffee, stretch your legs. He’ll be here when we come back.”

There’s a pause. Then a slight squeaking sound.

After that, silence.

“I’m sorry, Buck.”

A trembling voice.

He’s not sure who is talking, but a surge of fondness almost overwhelms him. He can feel the minor dip of the surface he’s resting on, as something or someone is pulling down a corner with their weight.

A sob catches his attention once again.

“I should have been there, I should have protected you.”

Hazel eyes. He is not sure why, but hazel eyes come to mind.

Evan wants nothing less than reassure whoever is talking that they did their best, whatever it was.

It’s nobody’s fault.

But what is _it_?

Shadows dance in front of his eyes.

“You have to wake up, Buckaroo.”

The distinct sound of a playful punch on fabric.

“Now you are making it sound like he’s in a coma. The doctor said he needs rest, and you know how our golden retriever likes his sleep.”

The other person snorts.

“It’s… it’s just…” Deep breath. “We need you to wake up.”

There’s something holding his right hand. Or is it someone?

“Buck? Are you awake?”

He knew that voice.

_Maddie?_

His sister is there. His sister has always been there.

Tiredness claims him once again.

_The cold wind is like a continuous slap to the face in that freezing evening of October. Or is it early morning already? He doesn’t know._

_Small steps, soft on the attic floor announce the arrival of somebody. There’s not many people in the house, particularly none that would venture three flights of stairs in the middle of the night. Except maybe if they were looking for him. If_ she _was looking for him._

_“…Evan?” the call comes from the opposite side of the attic, near the entrance. She cannot see him yet, but in just two more steps the terrace is going to be visible and him there as well. On the_ outside _of the railing._

_“EVAN!”_

_If anything could affect him anymore, if he still were feeling something, he would have probably jumped, scared out of his mind at his sister’s yell._

_In the next moment she is right behind him, only the railing separating them._

_“Don’t touch me” he requests. He’s not sure what his voice sounds like anymore. He doesn’t talk much. Not since Izzie’s funeral._

_“Evan, what are you doing? Come back inside, please!”_

_“Why would I do that? Wouldn’t it just be easier for you… for Mom… Dad… if I just…” he leans forward, fascinated by the ground so far below his feet. He snaps his head back towards her “I love you Mads, but I can’t, I don’t… I don’t know how… how to go on like this!”_

_“I’m telling you that you can. You have me, you are not on your own!”_

_“But I am! It’s just me… I’m the only one left…” there are other survivors, but no one like Izzie. She knew exactly what they had gone through, had the same thoughts happening at the same time, made the same shrugs when people didn’t really know what to say to them. And now she’s gone._

_Maybe Izzie was right. Why bother with a world that does not care about you at all?_

_She was so strong. Now… she is nothing anymore._

_“I love you Mads, but I can’t, I really can’t go on like this!” he looks at her, hoping that she understands. He had not understood Izzie before, but now he does. And he doesn’t want to leave Maddie with uncertainty._

_“You are only sixteen! You have so much to do, to live for, you haven’t seen the real world yet!”_

_“I have seen enough! It would be easier for everyone if I just…”_

_“Don’t. You. Dare!” this time he hears it. Her pain, her fear, spears that pierce through the numbness suffocating him. She shouts at him, but it’s because she cares. It reminds him of their weekly shouting matches of a few years ago, before she left._

_“You listen to me, Evan! I know that the world seems like a dark and scary place right now. What you and all the other campers went through… it is not fair, not right. You want to scream at the world? Then do it! But do not let those assholes win. I know you are hurting right now and you want it to stop being so hard, so painful… but you were never the kid that chose what was easy. You remember when you were five and scared of the monsters under your bed? Do you remember what I told you?”_

_He does. But he needs her to say it again, one more time._

_“You can either let the monsters win or you can fight them.”_

_He stays silent for so long after her speech, still looking down, away from her and the safety of the terrace floor._

_“I…I don’t know what to do… how… how do I do anything, again?”_

_He is lost, alone on an uncharted island, so far from known land, desperate to find something to hold on to, to ground him back to normalcy._

_“Make one choice.” she finally answers. He looks at her sharply “Just take one step, choose one action. The rest will come.”_

_Maddie stands straighter behind him and risks putting a hand on his shoulder. He doesn’t shake it off, actually leans against it, trying to siphon warmth and balance from her, for as long as he can. For as long as she offers. She stays there._

_He slowly turns and, holding the railing tight, climbs back inside._

_He looks again at her, doubts and uncertainty not letting go of him._

_She hugs him as tight as she can, the terror she feels finally receding now that he’s back to safety._

_He tilts his head backwards, careful not to leave the warm circle of her arms._

_“Would you… would you call me Buck?”_

_“…What?” she is a bit disoriented by his request. His eyes though, they shine with determination, even if just a tiny fraction of what it used to be, but it still shows._

_“I just… I wanted…” he inhales sharply, thoughts and emotions running through his head “_ He _… he kept calling me… Bucket, like I said in the statement, but… he also called me Evan a lot, you know?” he hopes she does “Could… could you call me Buck, please?”_

_She smiles through unshed tears._ One choice.

_“Of course, Buck.”_

The soft buzzing of neon lights filled Evan’s ears. There were quiet, low whispers in front of him, or maybe his right, his left? He couldn’t be sure.

_What’s going on?_

His head felt heavy, even if resting on a soft pillow he didn’t recognize. A slight ache filled his limbs, but he was more numb than bothered by it. There was also an increasing itch just on the inner side of his right elbow, the probable cause of his waking up. He needed to scratch it so badly. He started raising his opposite arm, when thoughts and memories rushed right in front of his closed eyes.

_Scott. Drugs. IV line. Slamming against something. Nausea. Electric shocks running through his body._

He went impossibly still, even his breath stopping in his throat. The low murmuring sounds of before stopped abruptly, the silence quickly filled by an unbearably loud beeping. But he didn’t listen to any of it.

There was a needle in his arm, and something was rubbing painfully against his wrist.

_No, not again._

Before he could even will it so, his body moved, rolling to the side. He was not restrained the usual way, he didn’t know why but he didn’t – couldn’t – really care. He would take every chance he got. He dropped unceremoniously on the floor, pain everywhere he landed, echoing in his joints, but he couldn’t care, he needed to move. His vision was blurry, he was panting heavily, and he just moved, any direction would be fine, he hoped.

He hit a wall, and he quickly set his back to it.

_What’s next?_

Easy.

_Get out._

“… hear me?...Buck?”

A soft, familiar voice reached his ears.

_Maddie._

“Can you slow down your breathing for me? Follow me, inhale, one, two, three. Hold. Exhale, one, two, three…”

He followed her voice, reigning in his breath, and slowly the intake of precious oxygen cleared the indistinct images in front of him.

Two nurses had entered the room, but were quick in exiting after a clear nod from Maddie. His sister was there, crouched to his level, staring at him, a small unsteady smile on her lips, tears in her eyes.

“You okay?” he couldn’t refrain himself from asking.

She chuckled hastily, no real humor sustaining the laughter.

“I should be the one asking you that.”

They were just looking at each other, when a new voice joined them on the floor.

“Do you think you can get up, kid?”

Bobby.

Buck didn’t even realize he had talked out loud, until he saw the other man nodding his head in relief.

“Yeah, it’s me.” he held out a hand, a clear invitation in the gesture.

Buck nodded belatedly to answer, and slowly rose to his feet, thankful for the support.

“You found me” surprise and confusion evident in his voice, but not stopping him. “There was Scott and… you found me.”

His voice threatened to break on the last words, but quickly something interrupted his train of thoughts.

“…SCOTT!” he panted, realization suddenly making words difficult “…Where is he? What happened?”

They managed to bring him back to the hospital bed with some struggle, but strong reassurance filling their words. Everything was fine. He was safe.

They brought him up to date on the situation. Scott was now in a holding cell, with multiple charges hanging on his head. The LAPD was requesting a statement from Buck, but Athena had bargained to wait until at least his release from the hospital.

“She wanted to be here, you know.” Bobby smiled in his usual reassuring way “But she needed be at Scott’s preliminary hearing.”

The young man nodded in reply, a weight in his chest slowly lifting, breathing becoming easier by the second.

His sister squeezed his hand, hard, trying again to contain tears.

“Everybody is going to be so happy when they hear you woke up. Eddie would have stayed but…”

“But somebody needed to be at work.”

Buck grinned at that. Not his usual smile, just a shadow of the one that could light up the room, but it still made an appearance.

They would accept any victory, even small ones.

It didn’t last long.

Buck’s smile quickly mutated in a look of pain, angled towards his hands that were gripping at the blanket like they could rip it apart any second. Before Bobby or Maddie could say anything, he started.

“He said…he said that he needed to finish what we started so long ago…”

They looked at each other, not really knowing how to reply.

His head rose, to face them again.

Something was gathering in his chest, a heavy weight that was increasing with every breath.

The world started spinning around him, and he felt nausea rising again.

He won’t allow it. He will stop it.

He stood up again, legs trembling under the pressure that was mounting inside of him, and he pushed past the arms that tried to arrest his movements.

Bobby and Maddie could only stare at him while he started pacing the room.

“Buck, what…?”

“Finish what we started? Really?” he grunted, interrupting the older man, his hand itching, wishing to hit something, somebody, wishing to hit _him_ “He talks of grand design, signs from the universe, that he wants to cure me?!? WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”

He was shouting but he couldn’t care. The fire was burning and he wasn’t going to extinguish it any time soon. He didn’t want to.

He punched the nearest wall, smiling wildly when the pain irradiated from his knuckles. He could fight the pain better than he could outrun the fear and the hate that filled his limbs when he thought of Scott.

“Buck, STOP!” Maddie appeared in his field of view, her hand grabbing his, careful of the forming bruise, while strong, known arms tried to drag him back to the hospital bed.

_Buck._

He was having none of it.

“Let me go!” he shrugged those hands off of him and only when he was free, he looked again towards them, towards his family. He wasn’t really seeing them. His focus was back into the low-lit room, a pair of empty brown eyes staring him down, challenging him into submission.

He wouldn’t let Scott win. He wouldn’t let the chaos raging inside of himself win.

He needed to let it out or it would overwhelm him.

“He kept saying…” he continued “He kept saying that I was his patient, that he was going to cure me…”

“Buck, you shouldn’t listen to anything he was saying.” Bobby tried “He clearly has issues…”

“And that is enough to justify him? He’s playing the insane card?” Buck screamed, trembling and shaking at the thought of Scott going free once again.

“Buck…” Maddie tried to interject, catching her brother’s hand in hers again, trying to hold on and stop his rambling. But Buck didn’t even register the soft presence.

“Is it enough to justify the drugs, the nausea, the electroshocks, the threat of drilling into my fucking skull??”

Maddie jumped at those words. Nobody had really told her what her brother had gone through, and all that she had imagined apparently hadn’t even gotten close to the worst of it. She looked at Bobby, hoping that he could tell her what to do, but the older man had eyes only for Buck.

“Buck, I need you to listen to me…” he said slowly, while also moving towards him, remaining front and centre in his field of vision “I need you to slow down your breathing, kid.”

_Kid._

Buck’s head snapped towards him, his eyes staring him down, a mask of anger twisting his features.

But that’s all it was. A mask.

Few tense seconds passed by, Bobby and Maddie standing still while Buck came back to himself, to them. The façade slipped from his grasp and he almost crumpled to the floor, before they managed to get a hold of him. They lowered him gently, while Buck brought his hands up to his face, as if trying to hide himself from their view.

“He saw me on the news.” he whispered.

Bobby moved closer to him, pressing shoulder to shoulder, trying to irradiate some warmth to the trembling kid.

“What?”

Hands moved away from his face, revealing the devastation on the younger man. His gaze never drifted from the floor.

“The Hotel Bel-Air…Scott said that…he saw me… that I… I looked lost. And so he knew that he needed… he needed to help me…” tears started to form in his eyes, as the reality of what he was saying hit him. “I don’t… I don’t understand… is it true? Did I do something to deserve this?” his voice broke on the last question.

“Nothing Buck. You didn’t do anything.” his sister was quick in answering, but he wasn’t really listening.

Bobby got closer to him once again and this time, Buck didn’t fight him. He crashed again into the hug that the older man engulfed him with, the caring pressure of safety warming him to his bones. He melted into that hug, while sobbing started to wreck his unsteady frame. Something inside of him broke, pieces shattering, falling apart, scattering onto an uneven ground, balance long forgotten.

He didn’t know for how long he cried, but when he came back to himself, he was sat on the bed and a low murmur was filling the air.

“We got you. You are safe. We got you…”

He was safe. Scott was in prison.

He breathed deeply, trying to slow down the erratic thumping of his heartbeat.

He was alive. He was safe. Maddie was there, holding his hand. Bobby was there, an arm draped over his trembling shoulders.

He knew he wasn’t alright, that his shaken life would require time to get back to normal, or at least some form of normalcy. It had taken a lot of effort before, but now, it was not going to be just him and Maddie. He had people. He had a family. A very large, and weird, and loud family.

Once he had regained some sort of composure, Buck squeezed the hands of two of the most important people in his life.

“Thank you.” the younger man whispered, so quietly that they almost didn’t catch it.

Before either of them could reply, Buck raised his head again. He looked towards them, misty-eyed.

“Thank you.” he repeated, stronger than before.

Bobby simply nodded in his direction.

_You’re welcome._

Small, heavy steps signaled a new presence entering the room.

Buck lifted his eyes from the crossword puzzle Maddie had left him, expecting another one of the nurses on shift to come in. His doctor had been clear in explaining the long list of injuries he had sustained, the worst being a grade-2 concussion and the potential long-term effects of the drugs Scott had injected him.

Instead he was surprised, and his mouth curled into his signature smile when he saw Eddie leaning on the doorframe.

“Are you here to spring me from my prison cell?”

The other man laughed in reply, shaking his head.

“Unfortunately, no…” he laughed “Only you would compare this hospital room to prison… And considering how many times you’ve been here, shouldn’t this be more of a second home?”

“Mmm… as long as they don’t make me pay rent…” the blond chuckled.

Eddie’s smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“Are you okay?” Buck couldn’t refrain himself from asking.

“Am I…? You are kidding, right?!”

Eddie was quick in sitting on the edge of the bed, reducing the small distance that separated them. He breathed in heavily, prompting a confused Buck to reach for him.

“What’s wrong?”

“You are the one in the hospital, Buck! You shouldn’t be worrying about me!”

“Of course I worry about you, you are my best friend!”

A hand run through Eddie’s short hair. He stood up quickly, needing a release for the nervousness invading his limbs.

_Doesn’t he understand?_

“And you are mine! And I promised you that I would have your back and… and I failed! We took our eyes away from you for five minutes and Scott managed to get to you! He kidnapped you and tortured you and I… I’ll never forgive myself for that…”

Buck let him rant, not really knowing what to say in front of his partner’s desperate face.

“I’m sorry…” he mumbled.

Eddie stopped in the middle of his pacing.

_Wait, what?_

“Buck, there’s nothing you need to be sorry for. I’m not mad. At least, I’m not mad at you. I was mad at me, at Scott, at the whole situation. But now I’m fine. Or at least, I’m getting there. Now that you are here. Now that you are safe.” Eddie could see the anxiety and fear that Buck was still feeling, clearly telegraphed in the shakiness of his hands and the tight hold he had on the pen in his hand. He moved closer “I want you… no… I _need_ you to know that it’s okay for you to rely on me. If you need to talk.”

Buck’s eyes were filling with tears, and Eddie’s heart broke.

“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to… I’m not good at this… talking about…”

“You are doing fine.”

It was only a whisper, but Eddie still managed to catch it.

He sat again on the bed, his hand easily finding Buck’s. He held it firmly, hoping for him to understand the raging vortex of emotions that were still roaming in him.

“I’m… I’m not okay…” Buck started, eyes staring at their linked hands “It was so hard when I was sixteen, to go back to… well, to be carefree and not looking over my shoulder every time I heard a noise. Scott and the camp… my life changed after them and… I’m not even sure anything I did after them… if it was actually me and… not a response to that. I don’t know… I don’t know who I am anymore…”

“I know who you are.” and the certainty in those words was what pulled him to finally look at the other man “You are Buck. An amazing firefighter, my best friend, the guy that always has my back, one of the smartest people that I know and also, one of the dumbest. My son’s best friend.” the small grin appearing on Buck’s lips was the best reward he could hope for “You wear your heart on your sleeve, always so fearless in showing how much you care for the people you love, always ready to go save someone’s life. That is who you are.”

Buck was crying again, but for a very different reason now. The small smile faded quickly, as doubts filled his mind once again.

“I don’t know…” he whispered “I don’t know where to start… to be that again.”

“There is no rush. Just one step in front of the other, whenever you are ready. We will be here when you are.”

He wished it were that easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... what did you think?  
> Buck is on the way to happiness... or is he?


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... here we are, at the end of a story.  
> I hope you'll like the last chapter of this fic!  
> Any "weird" reference to LA has been done with the help of old and mighty Google, so hopefully, nothing wrong there! Let me know in case :)  
> And now, I'll leave you to the fire fam :)

The next few days were hard on Buck. He still had to spend time in the hospital, as the doctors kept a watchful eye on his progress, with continuous screening to monitor any possible side effect of everything he had endured. He kept getting tired faster than usual and had trouble keeping most of his meals down. He had been a prisoner for slightly more than 24 hours, not weeks, why was his body betraying him like this?

“It’s not just the physical trauma affecting you.” This had been the response from his mandatory therapist appointment. “You have to consider all the angles of what you went through. You have to give your body, and your mind, time to heal. You don’t want to be reckless and get back to your job before you are actually ready, right? Your body is just slowing down so that your head can catch up.”

The therapist was whoever had been on shift from the department the moment they requested a psych evaluation for Buck to assess when he could come back to work.

He preferred Frank.

_Reckless._

On the bright side, he was never left alone by his friends, his family, with never-ending visits that never failed to bring smile and laughter. His favorites were the ones when Christopher showed up, his joy and enthusiasm a soothing balm against the nightmares that still plagued him every time he closed his eyes.

_“Evan and I go way back.”_

_“You know the rules, Evan.”_

_“Enjoy the show, Little Bucket!”_

_“Little Bucket, don’t say that!”_

He shook himself out of that particular horror.

He pouted jokingly at the pain in his arm when Carla punched him on one of those visits, the first one she actually managed to attend.

“You are going to make me go gray well before my time, Buckaroo.”

People surrounded him. People cared about their Buckaroo.

He couldn’t help the frown that appeared on his face.

 _Buckaroo_.

He loved his nickname, all of his nicknames, he even introduced himself as Buck more often than not, he never even questioned the practice anymore.

Why did the nickname feel wrong? Why now? Well, wrong wasn’t exactly the right description.

People always found it weird when they heard his sister call him by Buck, a nickname based on his last name, _their_ last name.

She very seldom called him Evan, and he himself only used it in formal situations, like the times he had had to contact dispatch while off duty.

Not even his voice mail said Evan anymore, it hadn’t for half a lifetime.

He knew that his resentment towards his given name sprouted from all the times Scott had used it against him. _Evan_ when he was being friendly, _Bucket_ and _Little_ _Bucket_ when asserting superiority, making him feel small and worthless. He didn’t need a therapist to understand that.

From those doomed days back when he was a teenager, the reaction to his name had always been on his mind, like an everlasting echo of the clutches he had been subjected to. He had thought that it had been buried deep into his mind, too far from reach, but how the impromptu meeting in front of the National History Museum had showed, it had actually been so close to the surface, ready to burst out at the mere mention of those loathed words.

He hated it.

He hated how the simple enunciation of his name or of the hateful moniker had managed to start the downward spiral of doubt, of anger, of fear that had pulled him down even before the kidnapping.

What was he supposed to do now with all the rage that he still felt?

Scott was in prison, the prospect of a lengthy trial just a simple midway step before imprisonment. Buck had managed to talk to Detective Marlowe and had already given his statement to her, after imploring Athena to actually make the meeting happen before his release from the hospital, the sooner the better.

_The detective looked in on the hospital room, watching with a tight smile while Buck signed at the bottom of his testimony. The department lawyer finished gathering the paperwork and quickly left, wishing Buck a fast recovery._

_Only then, Marlowe approached the firefighter._

_“Thank you for your collaboration, Mr. Buckley.”_

_“It’s just Buck, please” he replied, almost shyly in front of the detective. “And I… I didn’t do much…” Marlowe could hear the tone of disappointment in the younger man’s voice._

_“I was talking to detective Jones earlier today…” the glint in Buck’s eyes told her immediately that he knew who she was talking about “He told me – actually ordered me – to pass along some get well wishes. You made a pretty good impression on him, it seems.”_

_Buck snorted at the comment. Of course detective Jones would remember him, a kid scared of his own shadow after months of captivity. A victim._

_“He told me how you stepped in the precinct one day, looking almost dead on your feet, trying to find the people involved in your case. And once you saw him, talking to the ADA, you went straight to them and requested that they let you on the stand. How you almost didn’t let them talk, because it was your turn to speak up and get justice for all the victims of Camp Raystown.”_

_Marlowe nodded slightly when she saw Eddie appear from the hospital corridor. Buck looked up for a just a second, and then went back to staring at his hands. She gently patted his less-injured shoulder._

_“He asked me to tell you to give him a call. Apparently, he’s a big fan of Evan Buckley.”_

_She had stepped out after that, a knowing look thrown in his direction._

_He had half-smiled in reply._

That had been two days ago. The LAPD was still scouring through all Scott’s contacts and all the people still linked to the YRF to find anyone who was still involved in such heinous practices.

Buck would be lying if he said he wasn’t scared. Scared of people similar to Scott, people with the same beliefs and attitudes, people who had the time and means to recreate the conditions of Camp Raystown again, for him and for anyone like him.

But somehow the terror that had stayed with him all those years felt lighter, less suffocating, almost as if he had found something or someone to share the burden with.

He had despaired during his captivity, thinking there was no light at the end of the tunnel for him this time, only darkness and pain waiting him for at the threshold.

But his friends, his family, had showed up, rescued him, saved him.

He felt stronger, fortified and powerful in a way he never had before, and he felt the need to do something about it.

_One choice._

_One step._

“Ready to go, little brother?”

Buck turned towards the door, where his sister was waiting, a bright smile illuminating her face. She hadn’t stopped smiling from the moment the doctors had announced his release.

He nodded in her direction, finishing packing up all his things. He didn’t trust his voice in that moment.

_Little brother._

He tried to listen to the endless chatter Maddie threw his way, nodding and shaking his head, mumbling sounds that seemed to correctly match any reaction she was looking for. His mind shifted to his flat, and he managed to hid the shudder that run through his body at the thought of what had happened last time he had been there. Chimney had calmly explained that the whole team had gone there and fixed or replaced anything that was broken. He was glad he wouldn’t have to deal with that.

He came out of his daze the moment he recognized the Diaz’s driveway, while Maddie expertly parked in between Eddie’s truck and Athena’s SUV.

He glanced confusedly at his sister.

“I should have known you weren’t really listening!” she chuckled “It’s your Welcome home Party!”

A huge smile appeared on his face, and he laughed, a bit nervously. He moved to exit the car, but the sudden hand on his shoulder made him stop.

“Are you okay?” Maddie was looking at him, doubts and questions evident on her face. “You’ve been pretty quiet the whole ride and… if it’s too much, we can always…”

“It’s okay!” he replied honestly “I was just… it’s fine, really, actually more than fine. Thank you.”

She looked deep into his eyes, trying to see the lie, but nothing was there, except eagerness and happiness for what was waiting for him outside of the car. She smiled.

“If it becomes too much, you let me know, okay?” she felt the need to say.

“Of course, sis.”

And then they were off, surrounded by the warmth of their family, an endless streak of hugs, pats on the back and smiles. He wasn’t sure he would ever get used to this. If he could ever live without it, now.

Buck returned each gesture with even more energy that the one he was given. The people in the room were the ground underneath his feet, the air he was breathing, the rhythm of his heartbeat. He was just never sure if they knew that. But maybe it didn’t really matter.

He could see how he had not been the only one affected by his kidnapping. Starting with the kids, who were almost shy in talking to him, almost afraid that he could break apart if they invited him to something just a bit more taxing than a conversation. That had been easy to solve, when he out of the blue started a game of tag, touching Denny lightly on the shoulder, before running off to the patio.

The adults were a bit trickier.

Eddie was trying hard – and failing spectacularly – to not hover over him. Their conversation by his hospital bed probably still fresh in his mind, he was never more than five steps away from Buck, arms shaking with the impulse of reaching towards him, of steadying him on the uneven path.

Buck smiled at his best friend, once a protector, always a protector. At least his behavior made more sense than Chimney’s.

His sister’s boyfriend was being his usual calm self unless if in direct eyesight of the younger fireman. In that case, he started filling any moment of silence with random trivia.

“Did you know that it is illegal, here in LA, to lick frogs? And also…”

Maddie chose that moment to shut him up with a kiss, throwing an amused glance at her brother.

Buck shook his head at his future brother-in-law’s antics. Why was he sprouting trivia all of a sudden? It was his thing…

_Oh._

Now that he thought about it, he hadn’t really done any of his usual trivia info-dump since he had seen Scott in front of the Natural History Museum.

Was that another reason why almost everybody was actually weird? Because he wasn’t his usual self? Strong, warm feelings sprouted in his chest at the realization. He didn’t really know what they were, love, happiness, everything tangled up, but certainly he knew what he could do in that moment, something to re-establish the natural order of the 118, something to stabilize the ground under their feet.

“Oh, I’ve heard weirder. Did you guys know that it is illegal to drive more than 2000 sheep down Hollywood Boulevard?” he laughed at the puzzled faces around him. If he had expected some awkward silence following his remark, he was gladly surprised.

“Wait, is it an actual thing?” Hen asked while settling on the chair next to his.

Hen and Karen had by far seemed the most normal of the bunch. They had greeted him like at any other fire fam event, challenged him to a snack-eating contest and had then been grossed out by his performance, while Denny, judge of the competition, had awarded him all the points. He added some other bits of weird trivia that made everybody laugh. Everything was fine, until Karen suddenly pulled him into a hug. She held him close, not saying anything but maybe, she didn’t really need to.

Buck knew that Hen’s coming out story hadn’t been all fun and games, but she had talked about it before. Karen, on the other hand, hadn’t. Not that he wanted her to, everybody was supposed to do what they were comfortable with. But in that moment, the blond could almost feel her relating to him. He reciprocated the strength of the hug and then pulled her off the ground to spun her in a circle.

She laughed loudly, the last tenders of sadness leaving her when she was on solid ground again.

“Thank you.” She chuckled.

“No. Thank you.”

He smiled at them and, then, decided to wander towards the kitchen.

Athena was there, finishing the last touches of whatever was producing that amazing smell. She was dancing to the rhythm of the music that someone had put on, focused so intensely on the food that he thought she hadn’t heard his approach. But then, she surprised him.

“Are you coming here, hoping to get a preview of our dinner?”

“You know that if you need a taste tester I’m always at your disposal” he replied without missing a beat.

She smiled at him, that soft smile that she usually reserved for May and Harry. Buck blushed, still awed by that motherly affection that she so easily gifted him. But there was something he had to say. To ask.

“You’ve been avoiding me.” he mumbled, eyes to the floor. After a quick stop-by when she had announced that Scott had been charged with kidnapping, assault and attempted murder, when he had begged her to put him in contact with Marlowe, she had sort of been missing in action. Was it the first step of somebody pulling away from him? He had tried not to feel hurt by it, knowing that there must have been a reason for her absence. Maybe he had been reading too much into it, maybe it was all in his head. At least he hoped so.

“Buckaroo…” she replied softly, hesitating, her eyes shifting away.

_Oh. It is true then._

Without pause, he quickly nodded and shrugged, like it was not a big deal. He turned to go back to others, or maybe to make a quick exit out of the door. He wasn’t sure of anything anymore, apparently he even misunderstood the fondness that he believed existed between them. A firm grip on his shoulder made him turn around.

“Buck. Listen to me.” her voice was steady, her eyes staring him down, full of nothing but love. “I’m sorry I made you think that I was avoiding you, it certainly wasn’t my intention. I just wanted…”

Her voice went quiet, and he could see that she was struggling to find the right words.

Guilt arose in him. He shouldn’t have doubted her. She was clearly dealing with something and now he had managed to add his own insecurities to her pile. He tried to apologize but she raised a hand to his lips before he could even think of the right words.

“No. You listen to me. After Jeffrey Hudson attacked me…” she started, a slight tremble in her voice that disappeared almost instantly the moment he held her hand “A lot of people came to visit me, telling me how strong I was, how they were happy that I survived, and I… I just wanted a moment to put myself back together. It was probably one of my worst days in the force and I didn’t know where my trauma ended and I started. Everybody wanted to say something and for a long time I couldn’t even remember why I wanted to be a policewoman. And now… now that you are here, after everything Scott put you through… I couldn’t bring myself to risk doing the same to you. I’m sorry if it was the wrong decision.”

He fell silent. In all the possibilities he had considered for the distance between them, he had never even calculated what she had gone through not that many weeks before. And all she had said rang true in his ears, words filling the dark pit that he had found in himself once he had woken up in that hospital bed.

He hugged her tight, stunning her for a just a second.

“It wasn’t wrong. I… I just…” He whispered, words stuck in his throat, emotions ready to drown him. He settled for something easy, something true “I love you.”

“I love you too, Buckaroo.”

He stayed with her, helping out as much as he could – as much as he was allowed – with the dinner preparations, a quiet smile slowly making his appearance, hopefully to never leave his face again.

After, while they were eating, his thoughts strayed towards the last time the fire fam had reunited under the same roof. The night of the barbecue, the night when they had found out about his past.

It seemed so long ago, with everything that had happened in between, but now, now Buck could see how that day – that night – had started shaking something loose in him, something he didn’t even know he had.

And from there, all the pieces of the colorful mosaic that was his life, all the moments that had shaped him into who he was, had collided together. Held together by nothing more than stubbornness and will, those pieces had trembled and shook under the threat that Scott had represented.

But that moment had come and gone. Because Scott had not broken him this time. Buck – _Evan_ \- had fought and had come out of the trenches alive.

He felt reborn, like he had been given a second chance at that fight and had come out victorious. He had never felt so comfortable in his skin like in that specific point in time, with his team – his family – surrounding him.

A weight ever-present in his life had lifted and disappeared without him even noticing. Not until that moment, at least.

_Maybe, I should actually thank Scott._

He stilled at the fleeting thought passing in his head.

_Sure. A high-five. On his face. With a chair._

Something ignited inside of him and he laughed.

He laughed, loudly and without limits, without breathing, for so long that tears started trailing on his cheeks, for the first time in so many weeks because of exhilaration.

“…Buck? Everything alright?”

He wasn’t even sure who had asked the question but he happily nodded in that direction.

“Sorry! Yeah…Yes, I’m fine” he dried the happy tears “Oh man, I didn’t even know how much I needed that.”

It was later that night, with all the kids having already been excused when an impromptu sleepover had started in Chris’ bedroom.

A cool wind had risen in the last few hours, a reminder of the last tendrils of spring before the change into summer. Buck found himself breathing in deeply. Maybe it was time for some other changes as well.

Heavy steps, soft on the grass behind him, announced the arrival of somebody _._

“How is it going over there, kid?” Bobby’s voice was loud and clear, vibrating in the short distance.

The younger man turned towards him, a shadow of a smile on his lips. He launched himself at the only father figure worthy of the name he had ever had in his life and hugged him, before quickly stepping back.

 _Kid_.

Bobby smiled.

“I need to… I need to say something” he started, claiming everybody’s attention. He passed a hand through his short hair, and everybody could see the uneasiness in his limbs, how he seemed to be wrestling with some sort of decision. One of the opposing sides apparently won, because he quickly moved out of the circle that had been created, the wall now at his back, like a safe haven.

“This past few weeks haven’t… they weren’t the easiest for anybody here. All of you now know what happened to me when I was sixteen. When I met Scott. And looking back, I can see how some of my behavior, particularly back when I first started at the 118, was probably just a reaction to my…to that. I wouldn’t even know where, or even if, it were possible to separate me from… me after the camp. But… One thing… the one thing I know for certain is… it’s that I was a very different person before all of that. And with the family… I mean the parents that I have… Part of me thought I deserved it. Maybe some parts still do.” He shook his head, to knock the thought out of his head, to stop anything or anybody from starting to protest. He should have known it wouldn’t work.

“You didn’t deserve any of that, Buck. No one did.” Eddie’s voice was strong, cutting through the tension that permeated the other man’s shoulder. He knew that, of course he knew that, but it was nice to hear it said out loud. He let Eddie’s voice sink in his mind, hopefully forming a stronger foundation than his own beliefs.

The younger man still had something to say, thought, something get out of his system.

“When I started to deal with what had happened, I knew… I knew I could never be the same kid I was before. And… because of that… somebody told me I had to make one choice and the rest would follow.” he smiled at his sister.

“This somebody sounds very wise.” She responded in kind, Chim holding onto her tightly. Her brother smiled at her.

“Because of that I, well… our Grandpa used to say that I was born in the right family, with the right last name, because I was always ready to buck, to fight.” he laughed.

“That’s where Buck started.” Chimney added, realization in his eyes.

“I think we can all agree with your grandpa.” Hen said, raising her glass, as if to make a toast in his memory.

“Thanks to all of you, all that you did for me, everything you _do_ for me…” he inhaled sharply, trying not to break into tears before he got to the point. “I know that I’m not alone anymore, that I don’t have to fight on my own… and maybe… maybe because of that… it’s time I make another choice for myself. It’s time to take something back.”

Confused smiles were thrown in his direction.

“What are trying to say?”

Buck smiled at the group.

_Reckless._

_Little brother._

_Firefighter._

_Kid._

_Buckaroo._

_Buckley._

_Buck._

“I…I wouldn’t mind… if you called me Evan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... what did you guys think?  
> I find the final chapters of a fic the hardest to write, usually when I start I have a vague idea of incipit and plot, but nothing in how to end a story.  
> Hopefully, it make sense and satisfy you readers!  
> I don't remember if we know anything about Karen's coming out, hopefully I didn't go against canon (even if sometimes, canon should be completely disregarded... communication is key in any relationship, people! looking at you 3x04 -.- )  
> In the future I envision for the series, Athena goes back to be a sergeant, but who knows, maybe better things are coming up for her! :)
> 
> Enjoy the story!  
> See you next time ;)


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